Contents
Preface
Prayer diary of Elder Theodosius of Karulsky
July 20, 1937 July 22
July 23
July 24
July 25
July 26
July 27
July 28
July 29
July 30
July 31
August 1
August 2
August 3
August 4
August 5 (The day of my tonsure into the schema)
August 6
August 7
August 8
August 9
August 10
August 11
August 12
August 13
August 14
August 15
August 16
August 18
August 19
August 20
August 21
August 22
August 23
August 24
August 25
August 26
August 27
August 28
August 29
August 30
September 1
September 2
September 3
September 4
September 5
September 6
September 7
September 8
September 9
September 10. At Matins
September 11
September 12
September 13
September 14
September 16
September 17
September 18
September 19
Conclusion

Preface

Before this practice of the Jesus Prayer, Elder Theodosius prayed usually: he followed his church and cell prayer rules from books and the “rosary,” and then, in his free time during the day, he performed the simple verbal Jesus Prayer orally and mentally, if possible. The sweetness of the Jesus Prayer was remembered by the Elder from his childhood, when he prayed with it incessantly, but lost it because of his resentment toward a fellow seminarian, a naughty fellow, who often annoyed him. I really wanted the Elder to take the Jesus Prayer seriously, and I often reminded him of it. Together we shortened the lives of the saints, he according to the Chetya Menaion, and I according to the Prologue. Lately I have been luring him to shorten St. Simeon the Theologian with the intention of encouraging him to engage in the Jesus Prayer. Influenced him, he asks: “Can I start, and how?” Out of inexperience, I recommended “The Wanderer” to him. He says: “Yes, I don’t even have enough breath, I’m already barely breathing.” And I tell him: “This doesn’t require a lot of breathing, and they tell you to hold back the weak breath. Try it and you’ll see that you have enough breath.”

We took up the rosary to try. They handed me one, I asked:

“Well, is it enough?” “Yes,” he says, “that’s enough.”

– “Well, start with God.”

The Elder ardently took hold of the “Wanderer” with his breath and the beating of the pulse in his heart, and soon unceasing prayer was grafted onto his heart. For two weeks he studies and is consoled. One day in the evening, coming from church, he said to me: “I began to pray with grace, God granted me.” I ask: “How is it?” “Well,” he says, “I, leaning on the throne, prayed on my knees, and suddenly my heart caught fire, and prayer with tears of tenderness flowed from my heart in a spring, and now this sweetness does not cease.” I say: “Don’t believe it. Father, so as not to fall into delusion. It’s from your zeal and ardor, it’s bloody” (according to Ignatius Brianchaninov). We argued. The elder insisted: “I have often been granted the Jesus Prayer.”

Two days later, in great confusion, the Elder is asked: “What is this with me? From constant prayer, in my heart I feel like a dog is babbling (barking) “gum-gum”, and I can’t hear the words of prayer clearly. And so this “brach” is disgusting, it’s becoming scary. It has become so stuck in my heart that I can’t fight it off in any way. I’m afraid that delusion is already beginning and that I will go crazy from this? ” I say: “Calm down, this is because you are zealous. Pray other prayers.” (I later learned from experience that his pulse interruption was due to fatigue and long exercise. He shouldn’t be afraid, but he needs to rest.) “I’m praying,” he answers, “so I won’t interrupt you.” And so the poor fellow suffered all night, could not sleep, and by day he became very ill… He called his confessor and talked for a long time, and as a result they advised him to pray not with a quiet prayer, but as usual and simple. The Elder calmed down and recovered from his illness.

But no matter how much I enjoyed the good experiences of the Jesus Prayer, I could not forget it and often remembered: “How good it was then!”

A year passes in regular prayer and abbreviation of the Words of St. Simeon the New Theologian. One day the Elder says to me: “I really want to take up the Jesus Prayer again, but I’m just afraid.” And I tell him: “Don’t do it hotly, but by touch, as Ignatius Brianchaninov advises. Imagine this example. You fell ill with an incurable disease. A doctor was found and gives you the following advice-recipe: go around the entire Mount Athos, but there is no path. Due to the long history, there have been landslides and abysses, and everything around has become overgrown with a large impenetrable forest: instead of a road, there is an impassable wilderness with various terrible animals and reptiles, so that out of fear no one dares to go there. This is an image of “artistic” prayer forgotten by the monks. So you dared and tried “artistic” prayer. This way we reached Kerashi (the area on Mount Athos under the peak of Mount Athos, a two-hour walk from Karuli). Now, along the familiar path, you will easily reach that point, and then, with caution, “touching,” you will slowly walk, and so complete the entire path and be healed of your illness.”

The Elder accepted my advice and began practicing the Jesus Prayer again, but not immediately artistically, but according to “The Wanderer”: counting the rosary…

Prayer diary of Elder Theodosius of Karulsky

July 20, 1937

God bless. From the day of memory of the Holy Prophet of God, Elijah again began his prayer work with the “mental Jesus Prayer,” which I often began and, due to my weakness, stopped. For the prayers of the Most Holy Theotokos, the holy and glorious Prophet Elijah and all the saints, help me. Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.

Over the course of the day, from the evening of the 20th to the evening of the 21st, from Monday to Tuesday, I fulfilled my original daily rule: 100 rosaries or 10,000 Jesus prayers alternately, then with one half of the entire complete prayer, i.e., “Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me,” then with the other half, “Jesus, the Son of God, have mercy.” me” – in different bodily positions: standing and sitting, and walking. After every 20 rosaries, he rested for 4–5 hours at night, and 1 hour and half an hour during the day. When pronouncing the prayer slowly, I tried to pronounce each word with the word or mind with attention, enclosing the mind in the words of the prayer. During the prayer, the mind sometimes became distracted and was even forgotten for a minute, but was again contained in the words of the prayer. The prayer was sometimes very difficult, and sometimes easy from skill-repetition, especially when the heart, although little, felt the presence of God – the Lord Jesus Christ in His All-Holy Name pronounced with the lips or only with the mind. My soul is now satisfied with its initial feeble prayer, that it is occupied with prayerful work “the only thing needed” and receives from it peace from various sinful and vain thoughts, and in such a peaceful (dispensation) in comparison with the previous distraction of thoughts, I would like to meet the hour of death, the memory of which I united with unceasing prayer, as well as the recollection of my sins. When the soul and body were tired from incessant prayer work, my heart was disposed to contrition and tenderness, but I did not yet pay special attention to this and did not dwell on it with my heart, so as not to be unnoticed by my thoughts, but continued to listen more with my mind to the words of the prayer, especially to the holy and sweetest Divine name of the Savior.

July 22

With skill, the rule is easier to implement. But when performing a rule easily, greater attention of the mind is required so that it does not become distracted, for then haste quietly creeps in when repeating a clever prayer. To maintain attention, you need to stop at each new grain-layout, taking a breath after completing each prayer. At the end of the rule, the mind is already tired and is unable to pay attention separately to each matter of prayer; then the memory of God in general is sufficient for it – faith in the presence of Christ the Savior in His holy name, as happens during psalmody. When the rule is not difficult to fulfill and there is peace of thoughts, then the envious enemy, in order to desecrate prayer, acts on the mind and heart with subtle excuses of vanity and arrogance, if the soul during prayer leaves the memory of its sinfulness and the hour of death. If with this internal temptation, with the vigor of the mind and the hatred of the heart for everything sinful, the enemy does not achieve his evil goal, then he tries to confuse the soul through external temptations when meeting people who are spiritually unsettled and under various difficult circumstances. In this case, maintaining peace of mind with trust in God and surrendering oneself to His holy will and sobriety with prayer defeats this enemy temptation.

July 23

I had to overcome my anger in dealing with my brother: I was embarrassed and embarrassed him; but soon they said goodbye. After leaving, he began to be embarrassed by hostile thoughts against him, so that out of embarrassment he began to lose the boldness to continue prayer, as if he had already fallen into a great sin. The disciple reminded him to quickly take up prayer, and took it up again. I remembered the story in the Prologue about how a certain monk, who fell through carnal sin with his wife, defeated the enemy’s despair with courage, answering the thoughts of despair: “I have not sinned.” God informed another hermit who lived near him about this. Enlightened by this story, I, driving away the memory of the embarrassment that had occurred, which the enemy continued to inflict with various hostile thoughts and feelings during prayer, with the help of God, soon restored my spiritual peace: then I began to reproach not my brother, but myself and feel sorry for him for the embarrassment that had occurred between us. Glory to God, who clearly helps us in the feat of prayer in the fight against our envious enemy.

July 24

With greater skill in constant prayer, the attention of the mind to the words of prayer is increasingly refined and the attention of the mind is established in them, and the presence of God is felt in them, manifested by a feeling of contrition and tenderness. And along with these heartfelt feelings, the mind moves closer and closer to the heart – their container and organ.

July 25

On this day, beyond expectation, at the encouragement of the disciple not to abandon the rule of prayer even in difficulties, he fulfilled his entire prescribed rule of 10,000 prayers, together with the service of the Divine Liturgy and the required correction – the communion of the sick brother in his cell, which required about three hours. When, with God’s help, the attention of the mind is established and the feeling of the mind is awakened, then the prayer rule is accomplished more easily and more successfully in time, without, however, causing damage to the quality of prayer, attention and feeling.

July 26

A guest visited – a familiar benefactor, a monastery monk. A conversation with a brother about the disorder of monastic life and, moreover, about worldly matters that occupy the visitor’s thoughts and feelings, makes it difficult to maintain the sobriety and prayerful mood collected in the previous solitude. You are also afraid to offend God by involuntary, as it were, inattention to Him during a conversation, for the sake of a largely vain conversation that is not related to “the only thing needed.” You are afraid, on the other hand, to embarrass your neighbor by seeming to be indifferent to a conversation with him, which is expressed both in the face and in the tone of speech, and is not hidden from the subtle observer of the interlocutor. However, after the end of the forced conversation, the former prayerful mood soon returns again, when he himself was not voluntarily carried away by it.

July 27

For the prayers of the Holy Great Martyr Panteleimon, whose memory is celebrated today. The Lord vouchsafed both to serve the Liturgy and to fulfill his prayer rules. During the Liturgy, I felt the gracious presence of the holy great martyr, whose holy relics are in the throne of our church, consecrated by the bishop. Also, the mercy of God was tangibly felt in my heart through my fervent prayer to the great martyr, as if some kind of divine notification and forgiveness by the Lord of my previously existing sins. The deep peace of God settled in the heart. Humility, the consciousness of one’s spiritual misery, the sorrowful consciousness of one’s sinfulness with slavish fear turned into a joyful “sorrow for God” – more pity that with my sins I offended You, my merciful Savior. Help me, Lord, to always preserve this joyful sorrow for the Lord and be afraid of losing this gift of Thy great ineffable mercy and love for mankind, precious for repentant sinners.

July 28

At parting, the guest read extracts from Nomokanon (it seems, abbot of the Glinsk hermitage Philaret) about the strictness of the rules of communal monastic life, on the one hand, and on the other, many great violations of them in the monasteries, and by this he was much tempted and perplexed as to how he could now be saved in the monasteries. It is impossible to close your eyes to the truth of the strictness of the rules, for they are the canons of the Ecumenical and Local Councils and private saints. Fathers of the Church are an expression of the holy will of God, and the frivolity with which they are violated by monks cannot be excused for the weaknesses of present life. The truth must be told so that none of us monks will be justified by the works of the law. We are threatened with inevitable judgment and punishment, but there is no need to despair about this alone. There is a refuge for us – repentance, if we sincerely condemn ourselves and repent with contrition for our sins and weaknesses, and therefore correct ourselves, we will receive pardon according to the infinite mercy of God. The very strictness of the law encourages people to go to this refuge. In the severity of the law, the mercy of God secretly operates, saving sinful man through fear.

So, when looking at our modern life, what is required is repentant weeping for ourselves and for our neighbors, sinners like us, humility, humiliation of ourselves and compassion for our neighbors, and not the Pharisees’ temptation and cruel condemnation of sinners, who may be gospel tax collectors, justified by the court of God unknown to us, more than that of the Pharisees. In the feat of prayer, you especially need to remember Christ’s parable about the publican and the Pharisee and keep in your heart the Christian sense of humility it inspires and not condemn your neighbors. When praying with the mind of the heart, when it goes deep into the heart, the mind, clear of thoughts, is enlightened, subtly begins to understand the divine truths of sacred revelation, imprinted in the heart by God’s grace; be content with what the grace of God imprints on your heart; do not delve into this with your mind on your own, in contemplation and understanding of these mysteries, when your mind is not cleared of human thoughts. And beware at this time of subtle, imperceptible arrogance, which is revealed by the beginning of some subtle inner confusion of the heart. This is a sign that you are beginning to enter from the region of light and peace into the opposite region of darkness and confusion of the enemy.

July 29

After the guest left, my soul became calmer. But this peace weakened the attention of the mind and feelings to God, which were previously in close internal circumstances. Thus, the spiritual inner work of God is sung more and strengthens in the permitted inner struggles and struggles than in constant peace: “He who is not in struggle and struggle is in delusion” (Bishop Theophan the Recluse).

July 30

But a new feat and struggle has arrived: the mule drivers began to transport cargo from the sea up past our cabin and my premises. At first he was not outraged by the noise and whooping, and bells, and the underground hum from the mules passing by on the underground rock. In prayer, God provided spiritual reasoning to calm the heart. I also remembered the Monk Macarius (Egyptian), who had formerly been a donkey driver, and the Monk Andrei the Holy Fool for Christ’s sake, who, amid the noise of Constantinople on the street, observed attention and constant prayer to God, and other holy fools for Christ’s sake, who maintained inner silence amid the noise of city life. It was recalled from the lives of saints how demons even in their dreams haunted some saints with their dreamy insurances and obvious attacks. When this spiritual reasoning was kept within one’s soul, it had a calming power against noise and rumor; and when it was revealed to another (perhaps through self-satisfaction and vanity), it lost its former beneficial force for peace of mind and impatience appeared, then confusion. At first he looked at the monk-elder-mular worker as the Monk Macarius, and then he was ready to consider him a frantic demon possessed, until he came to his senses and saw here the enemy’s temptation, allowed for humility. (Secret battles and defenses do not always need to be revealed to everyone, so as not to become vain through weakness and not give the enemy a reason for a greater attack.)

July 31

For two days I prayed the complete Jesus Prayer: Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner. To listen to every word of a complete prayer required more time and effort of the mind, to fulfill the prescribed rule, with damage to the feeling of the heart. As the feeling of the heart in unceasing prayer cooled from the backbreaking work, attention to the words of the prayer began to weaken, and the spiritual work of prayer at times turned into a mechanical matter – performing the rule with oblivion and dryness. Afterwards, I decided to continue, as at the beginning, half a prayer, with special attention to the quality of prayer: the lightness of the mind and the liveliness of the heart.

August 1

Ten days have already passed of my prayer work. External order has improved: in the evening, after dinner, 20 rosaries (2,000 prayers); at Matins the same amount (after a four-hour night rest); after morning tea until lunch – the same amount; (after an hour’s rest) after lunch the same amount and, finally, during vespers – the same amount before dinner. He performed the rule in different body positions: three rosaries each while sitting, standing, and walking. He made small bows standing with three rosaries. For every 10 rosaries (1,000 prayers), I tried both the full and shortened prayer. In the end I settled on a shortened one, more convenient due to my weakness, initially for carefully following the rule. He managed to complete the rule both on those days when he celebrated the Liturgy and on those days when he was distracted by visitors. He only engaged in conversation with the student during meals, or briefly, for various needs, throughout the day. There was no time left for reading or any other activity (eg writing). Thank God for the skill of unceasing (although not always equally attentive) verbal prayer: when there was no extraneous entertainment. And after a break during some kind of entertainment, constant, unceasing prayer was restored again, with intense attention, which, with the help of God, protected the sobriety of the mind and drove away the above-mentioned confusions of the heart, which also happened.

August 2

According to the word of Christ: “A man’s enemies are his own,” and temptations are experienced even more sensitively than from external ones, with whom we have weaker ties. There was confusion after the Liturgy due to my inattention – abandonment of internal prayer and due to the disobedience of the student, which aroused in me an angry feeling of indignation. But, thank God, with prayer after tea I restored my peace of mind, realizing my mistake, I excused the student – the weak novice. He also repented of his disobedience, and the former peace at home was restored. God allows everything for our humility and greater vigilance over ourselves, for the enemy “like a roaring lion walks around looking for someone to devour.”

By the evening of the same day, a new storm of thoughts arose: a brother who was serving another sick brother, tired of serving, asked to be freed from this. And here are my caring thoughts: who to appoint and how long will such care for the patient continue in our deserted life, where everyone cares only about themselves. Caring thoughts, like a hair in the eye, confuse the intelligent eye and hinder prayer from no less violent thoughts. Many times during prayer the mind wanders to the subject of concern. But intense attention and, most importantly, the surrender of everything to the will of God, which provides for us, calmed the heart, which was troubled primarily by excessive caring thoughts, and the purity of mind, “necessary for prayer, was restored again the next day.

August 3

With God’s help, the perplexed circumstances of her thoughts were removed, although she was distracted by yesterday, but comparatively weaker and not often new objects of concern arose for her about the communicants of the Holy Mysteries of Christ on the upcoming feast of the Transfiguration of the Lord, but I, with hope in the mercy of God, postponed these objects of decision until confession them; then it will be given that it is appropriate to speak and do for the salvation of neighbors, for humility and condescension to the weaknesses of neighbors. Humility and love are the beginning and end of Christian spiritual life, and such an everlasting mood of the soul is the most necessary condition for success, in particular, in the feat of prayer.

August 4

After the above-mentioned confusion with anger and anxiety, prayer proceeded with absentmindedness of mind and coldness of heart – more only verbal. This led to involuntary humility, and humility was followed by God’s mercy: the spirit came to life, the heart was touched and the mind brightened and became alert to inner attention. At least the rule was fulfilled without omission, and verbal prayer was not interrupted, but this is not yet prayer, but only its external expression. In order not to stop at this feat, one must always remember that prayer is the breath of the soul, its living conversation with God – Christ the Savior. “Let His sweetest Name be yours instead of Himself” (Fr. John. Ir.), and therefore the words of prayer, especially the names of the Lord, the Savior, must be pronounced with special reverence, and then from it, as from a vessel, you will draw “living water” flowing into eternal life. By evening, again, through my carelessness, the enemy wanted to confuse my heart about caring for the sick. But he soon woke up, and peace of heart was restored in prayer.

August 5 (The day of my tonsure into the schema)

Thank God, trust in the Lord does not put one to shame: the thoughts that preoccupied my mind and heart about the sick man and about the confessors and communicants did not produce their confusing effect: someone who served the sick man was found in place of the one who refused, and confession passed peacefully. Now let us prepare for the bright feast of Christ’s Transfiguration: may His ever-present light shine upon us sinners, which is ever present through the prayers of the Mother of God, and may the feelings of repentance and tonsure into the schema be renewed in my soul, which is an image of deep repentance with mortification to the world and prayer not only for ourselves, but for the whole world. The schema-monk is an ever-vigilant prayer book to God, in which feat most of all expresses the mortification of the world for life in one God. With the coming holiday, my companion and I decided to start practicing “artistic” prayer. For this purpose, after Vespers, before dinner, we read the appropriate teaching from Nikephoros the Solitary in the Philokalia. But during the reading, a temptation occurred: my roommate, who was reading the Philokalia, due to some remark of mine to him during the reading, became suspicious of me, and then he pronounced a stern judgment on my frequent anger and impatience, and on one recent occasion, which he recalled, of my outburst of impatience regarding his slowness in fulfilling his orders, and then, as he noted, he saw clearly that the prayer was not for me. given as to one suffering from anger and generally severity” and cruelty towards others, and advised me, in contrast, to have simplicity.

I fully accepted his reproof and advice. But seeing the harshness of his judgment about my passion and the inconsistency in his judgment – either he encouraged me to engage in mental and even “artistic” prayer, then suddenly sharply and decisively expresses my hopelessness and inability for it – I also began to doubt myself, aware of my dangerous passion, and in him, for the fact that he himself is inexperienced and a beginner in the matter of mental prayer (but only well-read) – from the rank of adviser and my companion acts as the dictator of my conscience and my leader, which is not useful for him either, even though he could be useful to me with his comments, as someone close to me; with his same arrogance, I could not trust him as an unforgettable teacher, an instrument of God’s Providence, which acts only through the humble. “If two or three of you confer about any thing or are gathered together in My name, then it will be done for them from God, or I among them.” With the consultation of only two or three under the guidance of the Lord, and not with selfishness and covetousness, God’s good work will be accomplished. Power, on the one hand, and obedience, on the other, act correctly and fruitfully only in relation to a superior and a subordinate or an elder and a student, and not in relation to equal companions-advisers in the common undertaking of God, much less in the relation of a student to an elder. So, I abandoned the “artistic” prayer, as untimely for me, and began to continue as simple as before, trusting in the mercy of God.

August 6

The vigil was held in the usual Jesus Prayer. At the end of the rule, when I turned in prayer to the Most Holy Theotokos, a feeling of tenderness filled my heart, as if I was bored, not calling on the Most Holy Theotokos and the saints in prayer as before, but was now content with the Jesus Prayer alone throughout the entire prayer rule. If the great saints of prayer, the mysteries of God, called in their prayers the Most Holy Theotokos and the holy saints of God, as friends and servants of God, much more do we, weak and sinners, need the intercession of the saints of God for us during the Jesus Prayer and not completely forget about them, especially the Most Holy Lady Theotokos. That’s why Rev. Seraphim of Sarov, as he himself did, taught others to say the Jesus Prayer after dinner with the addition: “Mother of God, have mercy on us.”

And during the Divine Festive Liturgy, the Lord granted tenderness, as well as in the evening, at the end of the prayer rule. The feeling of tenderness that fills the heart, without much art, can show the place of the heart and serve as a simple, natural (and not artificially artistic) and grace-filled way of entering it and staying in it. In this way, the grace of God teaches simple and diligent prayer books true mental prayer (St. Maximus Kapsokalivit), although, perhaps, not as quickly as together with the artistic method offered by the holy fathers in the Philokalia, especially under the guidance of an experienced mentor.

In the afternoon, my roommate again began the matter of “artistic” prayer (such is his zeal for it). For memory, he gave me an extract from St. Gregory of Sinaite in the Philokalia: “The true beginning of prayer is: 1) warmth of the heart, burning passions, 2) consolation and joy instilling in the heart with unshakable love and 3) confirming the heart with undoubted confirmation. Everything that comes into the soul, say the holy fathers, whether it is sensual or spiritual, as long as the heart doubts it, I do not accept it does not come from God, but was sent from the enemy. I understood this extract as a recipe for my yesterday’s doubt and cowardice, which was produced on me by the conversation we began yesterday after reading from Nicephorus the solitary about “artistic” prayer. Reflecting on this extract given to me by my cohabitant as a reminder from St. Gregory of Sinaita, I thought that Rev. Gregory speaks of the beginning of true, i.e., perfect spiritual prayer, which really begins with the warmth of the heart and joy and other fruits of grace are aroused and continue; and not about that new beginning, which we approach with repentance and contrition and with the goal of conquering passions. Otherwise, we, who are still passionate, should not even begin this prayer – heartfelt. This is discussed in detail in the life of Blazh. Paisiy Velichkovsky (actually from his employee Vasily Polyanomerulsky). Likewise, my companion, it seems to me, should humbly apply the extract about “doubt and confirmation of the heart as a recipe to himself that he conducted yesterday’s conversation not in the spirit of God, but, as I have already noticed, arrogantly, with zeal not according to reason, and therefore his strict judgment and condemnation of my inability to pray with the heart gave rise to doubt and cowardice in me. In the evening, he again began a conversation about mental prayer. Although I didn’t want to (for I was a little embarrassed by his mood), I expressed to him my opinion that I had just written down about our conversation yesterday, but in self-justification, that as if he was talking about my inability for perfect, and not generally kind-hearted, “artistic” prayer, he did not accept my comments with humility, and we both decided that we were not ready for kind-hearted “artistic” prayer, but should only cry about our sins in repentance new beginning prayer. And I decided to continue the method of heartfelt prayer that I had already begun, further trusting in God’s mercy, for prayer, according to Climacus, is already a decrease in irritability (word 28), and with that we said goodbye and went to sleep at night with a feeling of slight heart displeasure about this outcome of our conversation.

August 7

When I first woke up from a night’s sleep, my conscience pricked me a little. At the end of our conversation yesterday evening, my interlocutor concluded: “Now I will not say anything and impose my instructions, but I will speak when they ask me.” But I answered: “There’s nothing to ask now.” To this he, having resigned himself, kept silent, and I, out of humility, should have thanked him for this, and yet I would have someone to test myself with, and then things would get better again. But, however, in order to accustom my student to humility, for his benefit, I refrained from apologizing to him, which was useful to me, thinking in advance to use his comments in any case. This day was not spent in prayer as attentive as before. The thought often returned to the subject of previous dissenting conversations, and through that to other subjects of trusteeship. This was noticeable to my roommate, and out of his jealousy he could not resist remarking to me: “They forgot, Father, their thousands” (i.e., prayers). I, having prepared to accept his comments for my own benefit, willingly admitted to him my amusement and asked for forgiveness, and he remained, as was noticeable, pleased with this confession of mine, and things went on, thank God, as if things had worked out as before. And he completed his rule with attention the next day.

August 8

He finished his entire rule by sunset, although he spent four hours receiving a visitor and preparing dinner/instead of his brother (student), who went into the forest for firewood and walked for 10 hours. Today is the memory of St. Gregory of Sinai, the ascetic, about the mental prayer of the writer, and through his prayers may the Lord grant us his success in it.

August 9

Yesterday the guest who came took me another three hours to talk with him. He spoke a lot for himself, and I had to listen more and only occasionally respond. With a long-winded guest, however, about spiritual things, one must rather let him speak, so as not to offend him, and at this time do not listen too much to his conversation, pray secretly both for himself and for him, and the Lord Himself will put it in his heart to stop the conversation when it is not needed and becomes idle. Afterwards, having released him in mutual peace, we can easily move on to our own prayerful feat. However, after the evening conversation, after dinner, the rule weakened both mentally and physically. “Carry each other’s burdens.”

August 10

During the morning rule, during prayer, a thought came to me: what feeling should I hold in my prayer of repentance, for it is varied in appearance and state of the penitent and St. fathers indicate differently. Then I prayed in my thoughts that the Lord Jesus Christ Himself, by His grace, would imprint that feeling of repentance, which I should primarily seek from God, and having received, keep it. And a few minutes later I experienced again the feeling that I experienced and wrote down on the day of the Holy Great Martyr Panteleimon. This is a feeling of tenderness – “sadness for God” – that with my sins I offended the Merciful Lord and Savior. This is probably what the above extract from Gregory of Sinaite says about the true beginning of prayer (see Aug. 6): “The true beginning of prayer is warmth of the heart,” and so on. But with this joyful crying we must not forget the fear of God, our sinful shame, the danger of falling, the memory of death, eternal torment, especially when thoughts of vanity and arrogance, to which I, a great sinner, am especially inclined, are struggling, this lower feeling of “filial fear” – the fear of losing God’s paternal mercy. When remembering one’s sinful impurity, one must avoid imagining carnal sins in detail, so as not to renew the sensations of them in the heart, which is not always protected by the fear of God; or with a living feeling of the fear of God and at the same time one’s own sinfulness, do not fall into a feeling of hopelessness and hopelessness, accompanied by a heavy feeling of embarrassment that destroys prayer and leads to spiritual death. Will the Lord save us from this, strengthening us in moments of deep consciousness of our sinfulness? Pride and arrogance are the cause, on our part, of such severe temptations, but humility avoids them.

August 11

God bless. And he fulfilled his prayer rule, and there were 2,000 extra prayers in stock. This will go on days on which, due to unforeseen circumstances, the entire daily rule will not be fulfilled. Or it will go for my student, other spiritual children, relatives and benefactors. At the hour when God gives prayerful tenderness, do not rush to remember names at that time, so as not to be amused by listing names and not to lose tenderness. At this time, the Lord accepts your one remembrance of everyone, or without your remembrance he will remember your previous name commemoration, for prayer does not disappear for God, like service for a king (according to the proverb).

August 12

During tender prayer, do not distract your attention from the words of prayer to any external image or icon of Christ. Let the inner image of the Lord, imprinted by the grace of God in tender prayer, be inextricably linked with the name of the Lord Jesus Christ as with its smart icon. Then, with every memory of the name of Christ, living feelings of faith and love for the Savior will awaken, just as when looking at a photograph of a loved one or a simple memory of him, corresponding feelings for him awaken in our soul. It is safe to associate your feelings of faith and love for the Lord with His names; (it is necessary) to keep the mind and heart in the internal – spiritual realm and not allow them to move into the external – dreamy realm, as happens when looking at an icon and when imagining the external image of Christ (1st type of prayer according to St. Simeon the New Theologian).

August 13

In the middle of the day, during an explanation with one brother, who returned late from work at the end of the Dormition Lent, a small amount of displeasure occurred on his and my part. He wanted to receive communion on the day of the Dormition of the Most Holy Theotokos, and for better preparation for Holy Communion/after a long absence, he advised him to postpone it until the next Saturday. At first he agreed, and then I heard from the side he began to grumble at me. You think to treat a person, to make him better for his spiritual benefit, but without realizing it, in self-justification to fulfill his will, he receives an even greater wound from it. How difficult it is for a confessor to deal with such weak brethren; he is perplexed as to what is best to do for his salvation and his own spiritual peace, without which it is impossible to maintain constant prayer. Help, Lord, give me understanding of what to do. Arrange it yourself for our good. Because of this certain confusion, both the evening and morning prayer rules were performed absent-mindedly; the thought was distracted by the past. But thanks be to the Lord the Savior, during the hours I had a moment of tenderness, the world was restored in the hope of further admonishment from God, and my conscience became peaceful, that in what had happened I had not offended the Lord much and had not yet lost His mercy.

August 14

After the Liturgy and Confession. Thank God, by the grace of the Mother of God, the confession of the brethren was carried out peacefully. Tomorrow is Her feast day, and today is the vigil. Many people resist the obvious will of God to be reconciled with those who instruct them about the Lord due to their spiritual ignorance, which, in turn, comes from our careless Christian monastic life, from neglect of the commandments of the Gospel and the Patrists. It is necessary for the confessor to admonish the disorderly, and then they will more easily accept the spiritual demands, seeing their legitimacy and usefulness for themselves. But for this, the confessor needs patience and condescension towards human weaknesses and compassion, and not indignation towards sinners, which is why he is called a spiritual father, who through the torment of his suffering for them awakens and nourishes spiritual life in them. Then his prayer for them is sincere, bold and favorable before God. He can fulfill his pastoral duty in the world of conscience through his inner silent life, that is, through prayer. The prayer of his spiritual children for him helps him to succeed in this by the grace of God.

August 15

But at the beginning, before the vigil, I encountered a considerable temptation: my brother, through his own fault (disobedience), who remained to go to confession with me, demanded (and did not humbly ask) to give him communion. Seeing the irritation in him, I rejected him. And the whole vigil went well. In the end, that brother, with great persistence and impudence, demanded that I give him communion, and, despite my good convictions to postpone the communion until a future explanation, he, without listening to me, continued (in great irritation) to demand, and thereby caused confusion in me. Confused, I could not sleep all the time after the vigil until the Liturgy. The prayer was interrupted by thoughts of embarrassment, lest that brother, during the communion itself, would cause even greater embarrassment. To avoid this, out of my cowardice, I even decided to leave the Liturgy for a while. But then, although he was exhausted physically and spiritually, but in trust in the mercy of God and the Queen of Heaven – the culprit of the celebration – he decided to serve and, beyond his hopes, served the Liturgy peacefully with the obvious help of God, communed the brethren, and went to also commune his sick brother. The confused brother, admonished by some of the brethren, only came to Antidor. I thanked the Lord Savior and His Most Pure Mother, but the memory of what happened in the conversation with the student and the perplexity of how to deal with that upset brother in advance in order to avoid further temptations – all this interrupted the prayer and did not allow me to rest sufficiently and calmly after my labors, the labors of the vigil. Glory to (God) the Lord, who humbles us with such temptations, let us not be exalted. How precious in such temptations is sympathy from someone who understands your difficult mental state, and it is difficult at this time to remain without someone who understands you and without participation. The enemy puts in this case the thought of hopelessness, supposedly abandonment from God. In these moments of spiritual loneliness, we must strengthen our trust in the only Lord and Savior, without whose good will nothing can happen to us. Neither any visible creature, nor demons, nor invisible enemies can harm us without God’s permission. Seeing God’s ever-present intercession in battle, we must courageously respond to our enemies’ thoughts ofdespair: “If you are still able, you will be victorious.” Let us sanctify the Lord our God, calling on His all-powerful Name in prayer, and He will be in our fear. “We will not be afraid of your fear; we will be troubled, for God is with us.” He told, calling on the name of the Lord, his feelings to his diary and received an answer to them from him. The mind’s view of the temptation that had occurred became clearer. After writing these lines, I prayed and my heart, arrogant with the thoughts and feelings I had experienced, was humbled in contrition. I lay down to rest for a while, and after a few minutes I felt that the heat I had hitherto felt both in my heart and throughout my body, like a nervous fever, suddenly gave way to a “subtle coolness” throughout my heart and throughout my body, my heartbeat and breathing became even and calm, and my prayer, previously forced by effort, (went) now usually evenly and easily, and all the anxious thoughts and feelings I had experienced went away, and my former visible disturbance without the influence of the enemy, he became unconscious, involuntary in the hands of God’s Providence, my benefactor, deserving of my regret and prayer for him.

August 16

After the Liturgy until lunch time passed as usual. In the evening today and in the morning of the next August 17, I talked with a student about the definition of the essence of prayer read in the Philokalia by Theoliptus of Philadelphia: “When the mind, as if the spirit, falls to God, the first with attention, the second with invocation, the third with tenderness, then the whole inner man performs a service for God as the Lord commands: “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart,” and so on (Luke 10:27). And after dinner, for the sake of rest from prayer feat, having read together with a student from the life of St. Maximus the Confessor, they presented in abbreviation his refutation of the Monothelite heresy

During the morning rule, my thoughts were distracted by the past (August 15) embarrassment: did I sin in something then? During the hours I was honored with tenderness and, checking my conscience in those minutes, I found it peaceful, except for my weakness, which had not noticeably sinned either against God or against my neighbor – my brother, who gave rise to confusion. Without such prayerful notification, one discussion does not always calm your conscience, without which it is difficult to continue the prayer feat; the enemy confuses you with thoughts of jealousy, severity in the cause of God, or condescension and mercy towards your neighbor.

In the prayer message, these and other thoughts are reconciled according to Scripture: “Mercy and truth have been met, justice and peace have been embraced.” Since, with my no small prayer rule, I almost always did not have enough time to read books suitable for my mood and to continue the Lives of the Saints that I wrote, abbreviated for almost six months (according to the Chetya Menaion of St. Demetrius of Rostov), ​​I, with the advice of my roommate, shortened my rule by 2,000 prayers or 20 rosaries, in time about two hours. And from now on I will perform the prayer rule, regardless of the number of prayers or rosaries, but for the time required to complete them, and this is so that sometimes, chasing the number of prescribed prayers, I do not rush to the detriment of the quality of the prayer; when observing one time (to avoid) it is easier to avoid this human weakness of ours – the preference for the quantity of prayers over their quality.

August 19

In the manuscript by Rev. Sergius of Radonezh is sometimes written: “I beg you, brothers, first of all, have the fear of God and purity of soul and body.” Those undergoing the feat of prayer must be especially careful in handling their body, and while correcting the necessary bodily needs, preserve their sight and touch. Some negligence in this case slightly confused my conscience and temporarily deprived me of boldness in prayer, but, having felt in prayer the intercession and intercession of the motherly mercy of the Most Holy Theotokos, I calmed down in my conscience and began to continue my prayer rule with the same calmness and boldness.

How necessary is peace of conscience for those who pray. Interfering in any work of another, and especially commanding, distracts attention and cools the heart towards the work of prayer. Be indifferent and indifferent in this regard, unless they ask for help, and you will preserve your own and the other’s peace. Leaving prayer without special need and for a short time is harmful to it: “Pray without ceasing.”

August 20

After prolonged distraction in thought and forgetfulness of God, long-term dryness in prayer will follow. Only after humility and intense contrition of one’s heart does sweet tenderness come to the soul, like rain on land parched by a long drought. I experienced both of these states today, when I spent the time after the clock and morning tea before lunch on things that were not very necessary.

August 21

So a month has passed of my prayer work. What did you buy? This is difficult to answer, because where you see your wretchedness, humility and contrition are unexpectedly followed by the mercy of God, supporting our weakness and preserving us from the feeling of hopelessness, and where you see apparent success, complacency and arrogance are followed by the deprivation of God’s grace, humbling us and protecting us in the future from exaltation and the deception that inevitably follows. There is only one feeling: glory to God and for the little things acquired with God’s help. The first is the awareness of one’s weakness and spiritual passion: with the slightest weakening of attention, the mind soon deviates not directly from grossly sinful thoughts, such as unclean and hostile thoughts, but most of all into vain ones. The second is sincere gratitude to the Lord, how He is always ready to help us in our most essential work of salvation – prayer, the only need for all Christians, especially us monks, “as regards the actual work of prayer,” and the Lord helped in this. The rule of constant repetition of the Jesus Prayer, an initial mechanical skill, having become accustomed to with intense labor in one week, was easily followed all the time with attention. Attention, which requires special mental tension, was not always easily maintained, especially when peace of heart was lost in any of the temptations described above. The feeling of heartfelt tenderness, generated by the feeling of fear of God or love for the Lord, which is necessary for the perfection of prayer, is a rare guest, a merciful visitor and comforter, sent to me from the Lord most of all after temptations and my involuntary contrition from them, to support my cowardice and strengthen my hope in the Lord Savior with devotion to His holy will.

As for “artistic” prayer, during this time, on the advice of the Right Reverend Ignatius Brianchaninov, as a beginner, I did not particularly look for a place of the heart, paying more attention to the attentive, reverent invocation of prayer. When the “place of the heart” was determined by itself and felt during a grace-filled visit of tenderness, then, on the advice of another holy man of prayer, Bishop Theophan the Recluse, staying with his mind in the heart in the place of the heart indicated by tenderness, he prayed there with his mind until tenderness passed and the experience of the place of the heart ceased. Afterwards, he himself did not artistically (artificially), according to the instructions of the holy fathers of the Philokalia, for a place of the heart and did not perform the “artistic” Jesus Prayer there, so that by untimely and erroneous “doing of his own” without the guidance of a mentor, he would not learn the wrong techniques and harm himself in the future, as sometimes happens, as described in the Philokalia and other similar writings.

August 22

The confession went well, only it was regrettable to give the canon to a patient who suffered from a narrowing of the throat and neglect of eating through incontinence in the evening, who suffered from vomiting in the evening, and to another brother who was caring for him, who, due to inattention, did not use persistence against the patient’s incontinence and also gave him the temptation of the food he had prepared for himself. How difficult it is to heal a mentally and physically sick person with the canon, how to observe in this case a decent measure of the severity of the rule and the mercy of leniency towards the disease, so that the canon does not violate the measure of both, it is spiritually beneficial. The prayer rule on this day passed as usual. After the Liturgy, successful communion, the brethren and after lunch rest and conversation, they decided with their partner to begin, after a month, the “artistic” performance of the Jesus Prayer according to the Philokalia; for in this my natural need for him had already begun to be felt. Having become familiar through reading the Philokalia with the patristic artistic techniques (artificial) of finding a “heart place” and creating the Jesus Prayer there, I, without much effort, sometimes naturally moved on to them by inhaling air into myself, where it stops, determining the place of the heart (Nicephorus the Solitary and Simeon the New Theologian) and combining the prayer with breathing, dividing it into two halves: together with inhalation pronounce the words “Lord Jesus Christ” into oneself, to enclose the mind together with the name of the Lord in the heart, while exhaling air from oneself, pronounce the words “have mercy on me,” turning attention to oneself with the consciousness of one’s sinfulness (Pat. Callistus Const., Gregory of Sinaite). At the same time, with the mind transferring attention to the heart, direct the mental and bodily eyes there (for greater composure), tensely tilting the head to the chest, directing the muscles of the neck and ramen there with painful tension (Venerable Gregory of Sinaite). For now, it is recommended to do artistic experiments for one hour a day.

August 23

During Matins, after an hour of regular prayer, I practiced an hour of “art” with intense attention in the heart, directing the muscles of the bodily senses there. At the end of an hour of such work, attention became more subtle and concentrated. At first, the place of the heart seemed vague to the mind – “a formless and empty land,” and then some sensation of bodily life began to be noticed in it – the movement of organic (life), and then spiritual peace – pleasant peace. I felt warmth in my chest from muscle tension and a minor illness – fatigue (ache). The prayer was easily repeated in the heart. So I fell asleep for rest, after Matins, before the Liturgy.

After the Liturgy and dinner, we read the rest of the fathers’ prayer books, on the subject that occupied us, about the path (method) of the descent of the mind into the heart, of finding the “place of the heart” and the mode of action of mental prayer in the heart, and after this, at Vespers, we prayed in the same way as at Matins.

August 24

On this day I prayed as soberly and intensely as on the previous day. Attention during the “artistic” prayer, in addition to a momentary oblivion due to weakness, was entertained by discussions about the evening reading and discussion of perplexed questions about art. According to the usual fulfillment of the rule of the hours, a small clash occurred between us prayer books. My companion, without caution, hastily said a prayer, knocked on the door and came in to see me (without waiting for the “Amen”), and thereby confused and frightened me. I remarked to him that we want to engage in prayer, and you teach me it, but we do not observe the behavior appropriate for prayer books, and thus interfere with each other. To my remark, he replied that it is impossible to behave like that, that we are so engaged in prayer, that’s why around us – no knock, no click. Although I recognized some justice behind his objection and that it was useful for me to exercise patience, but for the sake of his humility and so that in the future he would not give, through inattention to his behavior, often an unnecessary reason for embarrassment and disagreement, harmful to the feat of prayer, during tea I convinced him to repent of self-justification and agree with my first remark to him: each way of life requires its own decent behavior, although we should always practice patience inconveniences and bearing each other’s burdens, so that under a plausible pretext not to be irritable and completely incapable of prayerful, especially “artistic” feats. After tea until lunch, I completed the rule, thank God, carefully, and in the end I settled on the calm and peaceful performance of prayer while sitting, however, without distinct and separate attention to each word of the prayer, as was the case at the beginning: with the sensation, when inhaling air into myself, of turning attention in the first words of the prayer to the Lord, and in the last to myself. During bowing with the sign of the cross, I tried to get used to making the sign of the cross while pronouncing the name of the Lord, bowing after, with the pronunciation “have mercy on me,” so that the sign of the cross would not be simultaneous and, as they say, “not break the cross.” How often do you say the words of prayer at the same time, i.e. How quickly to pray and bow accordingly (when necessary), different writers say differently about this: some rarely and reverently, as if in a chant (Bishop Ignatius), others are expressed “often”, without definition in the sense of speed or constancy (Hesychius Pres.). Some say “connect prayer with breathing,” again without definition in the sense of “speed” or “constancy.” Nicodemus the Holy Mountainer in “Invisible Warfare” compares the speed of the Jesus Prayer with the way we usually address our interlocutor in a conversation. And in “The Wanderer’s Tales” every word of prayer is combined with a heartbeat, which is similar in speed to ordinary speech.

Therefore, it seems that this latter is an average measure of the speed of the Jesus Prayer. It is very difficult to observe all these methods of the Jesus Prayer, and for it to be at the same time a conversation with the Lord, while the skill for these methods of heartfelt prayer is for the most part recognized by the holy fathers-prayer books as a natural aid for success in prayer, it is necessary on our part as an initial skill for simple verbal prayer (according to “The Wanderer”) for the subsequent intelligent – attentive.

When performing the Jesus Prayer using artistic techniques, the chest hurts a little – the heart gets tired from the bent position at this time, and maybe the light inside the chest is heavy from holding the breath while slowly, attentively pronouncing the words of the prayer combined with breathing, and the mind also gets tired from intense attention. The heart should not be tired from the attentive tension of pronouncing, as if concluding in it the words of prayer, especially the sweetest name of Jesus, except from the constant inhalation of air into itself, although it cools it, but nevertheless disturbs and disturbs it, which in its effect is similar to sighing, according to the word of the psalmist: “My heart is weary because of my groaning.” Therefore, sighing should be used only at the beginning to find the place of the heart and to maintain the mind’s presence in it. When the mind is established in the heart through skill and the grace of Christ, then constant and deep inhalations are not necessary, and according to the patristic guidance (St. Gregory of Sinai), breathing should not be held. “The same is the division of attention, that is, turning it at the first words of prayer to God, and at the last to oneself” (Calist. and Ignat. ch. 48). “In particular, in the first half, when invoking only the name of the Lord, the mind’s attention is double, now to the invocation, now to the Face of the Lord Himself” (according to Theoliptus of Philadelphia). All this, with perfect, heartfelt, tender prayer, should and will be done naturally without much tiring strain on the mind. When the mind and heart unite with themselves and with the Lord Himself, there will be Trinity in Unity and Unity in Trinity. May God grant this mercy to us, as we trust in Thee (Ps. 33).

August 25

At Matins, at the end of a very difficult “artistic” prayer, I was honored with tenderness. I felt the Savior’s mercy towards us with the inspiration “Learn from Me, for I am meek and lowly in heart.” When they were going to soar in the morning, after hours, the prosphora on the samovar and with great difficulty (due to the inconvenience of the place) climbed into the church cistern to wet the prosphora, my heart was troubled with impatience against the student that he had not completed this difficult task for me. But they were embarrassed and could not speak. What kept him from saying an impatient word on this matter was the memory of tenderness and the commandment about meekness that was instilled in me. After tea until lunch, I prayed while sitting, without paying attention to artistic techniques, and for three rosaries of such free prayer I had a lot of fun and, only after getting up, by strictly observing the techniques and bowing, I regained my attention and was honored with tenderness. The double attention in prayer, on the one hand, to the Face of the Lord Himself, on the other, to the words of prayer, was combined into one inseparable attention to the name of Christ: “Lord Jesus Christ.” In these names the presence of the Sweetest Lord the Savior Himself was felt – without any external image. And from His name, as if from a vessel, life-giving sweetness poured into the heart. Thus, we, weak and weakened in spirit, are helped by the “artistic techniques” offered to us by the holy fathers from their experience and not without the inspiration of the Holy Spirit (see Bishop Theophan: Collected Letters. Letter 321: “When the ability to attract God’s grace weakened, they came up with a mechanical method, prescribed in the Philokalia: the artistic action of the Jesus Prayer. This can be even more useful” /Startsevo’s note/).

The ancient Holy Fathers and, although rare, modern ones, for example, Fr. John of Kronstadt, and perhaps other hidden servants of God, simple prayer books, were rich in living faith and love for the Lord and therefore were always and simply in prayerful communion with Him. We, weak and weakened in body and spirit, for the time being – “until the father’s command” (Gal. 3-4) – need mentoring – teaching the external rules (arts) of the law of prayer, until our prayerful spirit grows under their tutelage; just as the saints of God receive, for the work of their faith and love for prayer, and through it to God, the gift of “adoption,” that is, the grace-filled gifts of perfect, heartfelt prayer, in which the gracious sons of God continually cry out: “Abba, Father” (Rom. 8:15 and Gal. 4:6). It is enough for us sinners and unworthy to feel, by the grace of God, at least the beginnings of this gracious adoption (Rom. 8:23) – tenderness as a notification of the remission of our many and great sins.

August 26

After the Liturgy and after tea, after praying and walking for a while, I sat down to pray in the church vestibule, it was quieter there. Soon the prayer became even quieter, a place of heart was found in the soul, stable, comfortable and peaceful for it. It is no longer the mind that prays, but the heart itself; the mind only from time to time looks at the self-propelled prayer movement occurring in the heart. The heart itself, apparently, looked at the Lord, at itself and at its prayerful invocation of Him, as if at a brook babbling monotonously far in its depths. Peace, warmth of feelings towards the Lord Savior, humility and meekness were his breath. In this state, it appeared to my mind as a living “inner man,” as opposed to the “external man” – our ordinary consciousness. (Having learned about this, Father Nicodemus said to him: “This is yours. Father, the mind has united with the heart.” And he experienced many other things from his kind-hearted prayer. And shortly before his death he experienced even greater joy, which lasted the whole day. He sat in amazement. This state of mind happened due to a cross of four moons seen in the sky in a dream and a very solemn ringing of bells, like on Easter. All the people were dressed up in a festive way and exclaimed: “We celebrate the victory over communists.”) Oh, that the Lord would grant us His grace to establish us in the “inner man” and so on… (Eph. 3:16-20).

August 27

At Matins, the “artistic” prayer was weak and absent-minded at first, but I forced myself to pay attention and feel it to the point of exhaustion in my chest and wanted to give up continuing such prayer. But now, after this change of will, the mind soon found, or better to say, a “place of the heart” was opened to it by a spiritual feeling, as if by a thin sting of mournful repentance: “sorrow for God” about something dear to the heart and a lost good with some feeling of it again and with some hope of returning it to the heart again, and with it the Giver Himself, the Sweetest Lord the Savior, as it was felt in the first years conscious already childhood. Reproduction of the experience in memory keeps the heart in repentant feelings afterwards. Thus, attentive and diligent prayer, accompanied by a grace-filled visitation, gradually recreates our inner man. It is always necessary to set the last goal of the prayer rule and to look for a grace-filled visitation in prayer, and not to dwell on it and on “artistic” techniques, not to mention them themselves, but also on the first benefit received from them – preservation from idleness and thoughts during such an initial prayer “doing”. The first, that is, the grace of God, creates the inner man, and the last, that is, our work, only protects the building of grace, moreover, with the assistance of the same grace. From our very outward work of prayer – both simple and artistic – an evangelical Pharisee is born and raised, infected with self-conceit, or, to a lesser extent, spiritual sterility will follow in simple, unreasonable prayer books. “Lord, teach us to pray,” the apostles asked, or “Lord, enlighten my darkness,” one of the first intelligent prayer books, St. Gregory Palamas, constantly prayed.

After lunch, over tea, we read my “prayer diary” for the last three days (from August 24 to 27) to check. My co-worker noticed from the diary and from my explanation to his remark that my breathing control was incorrect during mental prayer: I used intense inhalations – where they end – in the place of the heart, and thereby taxed my chest, producing excitement in it, i.e., whereas in “artistic” prayer a quiet and smooth breathing is required – “hold,” in the patristic expression, “greyhound breath and hold.” I agreed with this. Another remark was made on my expression (August 26): “The heart itself sees the Lord and itself, and its prayerful invocation.” – “This is yours. “Father,” my co-worker noted, “the mind has united with the heart and sees from the heart, but it seems to you the heart sees, but not the heart, but the mind sees.” I agreed with him until the time when I was more convinced of the patristic words. Also, my co-worker freed me in advance from the need to bow and invoke the words of prayer with a beating heart, which especially makes it difficult for me among the artistic techniques not directly indicated by the holy fathers, like any true prayer, consisting of humble, attentive and diligent calling on the Lord with the mind in the heart.

August 28

Today at Matins, during “artistic” prayer, my chest no longer hurt after I stopped taking frequent inhalations to determine the “place” of the heart, and instead held back a little inhalation and exhalation so that breathing, according to patristic teaching, would not be greyhound. From such restrained breathing, peace was felt in the heart and throughout the body, which was reflected in the calmness of the spirit, and helped to more quickly sense the place of the heart and perform mental prayer there. So we need understanding and corrections from each other.

Confession that day passed peacefully, although he and some of the brethren expected troubled explanations during confession and was himself preoccupied before confession. All care in this regard must be placed on the Lord and not prepare your explanations with incorrigible confessors, according to the hope: “At that hour (at confession) it is given what is appropriate to say.” Having seen off the brethren, he sat down in the vestibule and continued his usual rule of prayer. From fatigue, probably, and absent-mindedness, previous in dealing with the confessors, I forgot for a minute or less. But the wonder is that after a moment of imperceptible subtle oblivion to sleep, I woke up with clearer vision by the mind of the Lord in the depths of my heart, and the prayer, after a short stop, itself continued to happen again until it gradually imperceptibly stopped, and I again then woke up with it. This went on for an hour several times.

After lunch, we heard from afar the voice of a fan coming towards us, a Russian refugee from Yugoslavia to talk to us. No matter how we hid, we were forced to accept it. Since before and after Vespers I had to talk with him for a long time about various sorrowful circumstances of the refugees and it was necessary to show attentive sympathy to the sorrowful, then, under the influence of this feeling, I forgot about my practice of mental prayer, and lost the place of my heart, which I had acquired with great attention. And that evening, on the feast of the Beheading of the Holy Forerunner of the Lord, and the next day at Matins, I could not gather my mind and find a place of heart, and only the call for help, after the prayer of the Most Holy Theotokos of Jesus and the celebrated Holy Forerunner, softened my heart somewhat and brought me to my senses.

August 29

At the Liturgy, thank God, he received communion with feeling, but after the Liturgy, in a new conversation with the guest, he again became distracted and tired, but, leaving the guest until lunch, he could neither rest nor go to prayer. During lunch, the same conversation is continued for three hours until the guest is seen off. After that, he came to his quiet room, but could neither sleep nor pray attentively, for the place of his heart was lost. Although my conscience was calm for the time spent in conversation. I had to admit my weakness. Along with participation and attention to your neighbor, at the same time you must maintain your state of prayer. But even having realized this weakness and having strained more than once for intelligent, attentive prayer, I could not receive it until I remembered the gospel warning of Christ the Savior, so often forgotten by us, which is so necessary for us in the work of salvation: “For without Me you can do nothing.” Having remembered and prayed to the Lord in his heart for help, he immediately and unnoticed received it; the prayer was uttered in my heart: “Jesus, the Son of God, have mercy,” and thus a heartfelt place was found without artistic devices. Now I had to use them to maintain the prayer that began with God’s help.

So, thank God, he prayed for about an hour, and the fatigue from the long conversation disappeared, and he forgot what he was talking about with the guest, whereas before that everything that came to mind distracted him from prayer. At first we were glad when we temporarily evaded the guest and he went to another place. Having learned about this, we then reproached ourselves in our conscience that, while protecting our silence, we were neglecting the Gospel commandment about love of love and love for one’s neighbor. And so the Lord gave us the opportunity to fulfill Christ’s commandment and see our weakness and inability to serve our neighbor without damaging our spiritual structure. What to choose and when to choose, may the Lord enlighten your conscience for the future in due time. Theoretically, it is difficult to train oneself forever: so that the commandments of love for one’s neighbor and prayer are always equivalent for a monk. Some of the saints sometimes preferred one thing, and others another (the venerable Arseny and Moses). In determining what to prefer over what, when moral state matters a lot, the age of spiritual success: love for neighbors and prayer can be equally learned by those who have succeeded spiritually. The weak should sometimes completely leave serving their neighbors in order to succeed in prayer, and sometimes make up for the lack of it by serving their neighbors, especially when the weak prayer worker himself does not get by, but uses the help of others. (St. Isaac the Syrian discusses this in detail in the chapter on confession.)

August 30

After lunch we read about the Jesus Prayer from: 1) “The Wanderer” (3rd edition, 1884), 2) “Russian Monk”, 3) Philokalia, and 4) from the letters of Bishop. Feofan on the question: who can and who cannot engage in “artistic” prayer according to the Philokalia.

According to “The Wanderer” (p. 74, 3rd ed.), whoever is overcome by sleep and laziness with a storm of thoughts during mental heartfelt prayer is not ready to engage in it. According to “Minok” (Question 75, February 1913, p. 140) from the words of Rev. Gregory of Sinaite from the Philokalia (Part 1, Chapter 8) “disobedient and passionate, approaching heartfelt prayer with impudence, do not achieve it and, like those who are arbitrary, fall into insolence, opinion and delusion.”

Bishop speaks even more strictly. Theophan (“Letters to various persons”, 2nd edition, letter 80: “On delusion in mental prayer”, p. 415), where it is decisively said that anyone who goes through a smart-hearted prayer with artistic techniques according to the Philokalia without a guide, according to one description in the Philokalia, inevitably falls into delusion, overestimating the meaning of artistic techniques and the natural consequences they achieve and the collection of the mind and warmth, recognizing them for the action of God’s grace.

All this reading has somewhat confused me with bewilderment that without a mentor-guide, who is now difficult and even impossible to find, one should not engage in soulful prayer according to the patristic teachings of the Philokalia for fear of inevitable delusion.

But further, having read all the articles from “Monk,” we saw that, however, mental prayer according to St. Simeon the New Theologian depends on obedience, in which purity of conscience and carelessness are acquired, which is the most necessary condition for practicing mental prayer. It also further explains how a clear conscience can be maintained in relation, firstly, to God, secondly, to the spiritual father and, thirdly, to other persons and things. Obedience for doing mental prayer is necessary for acquiring purity of conscience and carelessness, which are impossible without obedience. According to Rev. Gregory of Sinaite, where he speaks of the absolute necessity for purity of conscience (fol. 83, g. 1st) the first preparatory condition for mental prayer is to have obedience, then by this word we mean not the first stage of monastic life (i.e., external obedience), but of course an internal property of character – obedience, which can be acquired without external obedience, from one internal obedience to the Commandments of God (St. Gregory the Theologian), as can be seen in the example of saints, among whom were those who practiced prayer with artistic skill methods according to the Philokalia, and those who were honored with mental grace-filled prayer, who did not live under external obedience, but who pleased God completely, including Nil Sorsky, Paisius Velichkovsky and even (in worldly life – Patriarch of Constantinople) St. Gregory Palamas, St. Patriarch Photius. Yes, and the reverend himself. Simeon Arch. Solunsky ordered all laymen in other letters and books not to speak so decisively against artistic techniques and even considers them a suitable and necessary means for us, relaxed and lazy, who, of course, do not have the virtue of obedience (Letters on Speransky, pp. 169 and 210).

So, in our times, when the teachers of “artistic” prayer became scarce, there were still practitioners of this prayer among the monks (Parthenius, the Kiev confessor; Filaret, abbot of the Glinsk hermitage and others).

After this, we decided that it was necessary to adhere to this perplexed question of our worker of mental prayer, Paisius Velichkovsky, and to consider this question with great danger.

At the evening prayer, the Lord vouchsafed at the end a feeling of tenderness, and the first thought born from this feeling was an answer to my bewilderment: that I too could humbly engage in mental prayer, to which the Lord more than once aroused me through others, and for which I received a blessing from my spiritual father and elder (Ignatius the Bulgarian). At that time I even felt as if there was a threat of God’s disfavor if I neglected prayer after this.

At Matins, after a simple prayer, I sat down to practice “artistic” prayer, and suffered for a long time: I could not connect prayer with breathing. When I pay attention to the breath – with the mind and it brought down from the head to the heart – I cannot at this time listen separately to the words of the prayer, and vice versa. The words of prayer (and not a complete one) do not fit into one breath, that is, inhaling and exhaling, and, of necessity, you have to pronounce the words of prayer rather than approximately in an average measure along with the beating of your heart. Then he left to follow the process of bringing the breath down into the heart during each prayer, listening only to the words of the prayer. And well, I soon noticed that in my heart, as I listened to the words of the prayer, I simultaneously began to notice my breathing, how my heart seemed to expand, taking in air and expelling it, now I could more clearly observe from my heart the division of breathing into two physical techniques of inhalation and exhalation – and, accordingly, connect the two halves of the prayer with them. Moreover, standing with my attention constantly in my heart, and not having fun every time I said a prayer with the process of deliberately introducing breathing into my heart, in the silence of my heart and undistracted attention, I began to gradually notice, simultaneously with my breathing, the heartbeat, with which I began to coordinate the speed of pronouncing the words of the prayer – with each beat one word and, thus, together with the five words of the prayer (abbreviated) to combine five heartbeats into one breath. This previously seemed difficult, because from the heart I could already control my breathing, holding it somewhat (which is also in accordance with the patristic teaching on mental prayer) in order to fit into it the five words of prayer combined with the five heartbeats. Thank God for the discovery of a new experience for me after much bewilderment and labor: “Seek and ye shall find.” Having thanked the Lord, I calmly and with tenderness prayed according to the new experience, listening mainly in the depths of my heart to the words of the prayer with which it was connected, especially with the name, as if breathing with it and enjoying it. Even then, I noticed later that when I perform a mental prayer while walking, the movement of my legs gradually gradually each time is consistent under the influence of the heartbeat and with the words of the prayer. When you hurry in the passage or slow down, due to the frequent stagnation of blood in my legs, you feel some discomfort in doing it. Thus, our physical and mental life was established by the Creator in union and correspondence with each other, and through them with spiritual life, hence the significance of the artistic techniques used by the saints and offered to us by them in the Philokalia. In addition to these main, most necessary aids for everyone, each student of mental prayer with reason can have his own aids, which are only convenient for him, not disgusting and harmless to the patrists, and they cannot be disparaged (as our spiritual writers sometimes do from a theoretical rather than an experimental point of view). No matter how someone prays from the outside, as long as he constantly prays with humility, attention and tenderness. This internal dispensation is dear – the everlasting memory of God, acquired by us who are weak in faith and love for God, with the help of all sorts of artificial methods, regardless oftheir external beauty, as if foolishness in Christ. Paraskeva, the Sarov holy fool novice, at the beginning of her ascetic life was taught to celebrate her frequent bows by doing them, while saying modest words of a worldly song that did not violate the sense of chastity. And the Lord was not offended by this. It is all the more offensive to God if someone has his own special modest techniques, although simple and perhaps funny for someone not only frivolous, but also for a serious, educated, intelligent prayer theorist. The frequent “great things of God” are wiser than man, and the weak things of God are stronger than man (Cor. 1:25).

This last remark about artistic techniques was made by us regarding the derogatory expression “jokes” of the Rev. Ep. Feofan about some special techniques of mental prayer used by a certain elder and about some techniques in the Philokalia (Collected Letters, 5th edition, letter 908, pp. 185–186).

Let the reader understand this remark not as a censure by us who are unworthy of the Great Spiritual Writer, but as a softening of his expressions about some of his own artistic techniques of unreasonable prayer books, with a high opinion of their prayer work, often deviating into sterility, errors and outright delusion. As in many of his letters, a conviction is often expressed, to put it in a scientific way, not objectively, i.e. dogmatically, positively in relation to every case and person, but subjectively, that is, in relation to someone, to time and to person. Probably, many cases of inability to use the artistic techniques of the Philokalia without mentors and guides, which often led to delusion, forced such church writers to often warn and warn against them and, especially, about each of their own invented techniques with an inappropriate spiritual mood – an unreasonable arrogance that attaches excessive importance to the appearance of prayer to the detriment of its true inner mood (as stated further in the above-mentioned letter).

During Vespers, I practiced mental prayer for the 2nd hour a day. At first the prayer proceeded normally, then a warmth began to be felt in my chest. As the prayer continued, it increased, then it began to be felt below the chest in the lower abdomen with an admixture of unclean, prodigal sensation, attracting there with its sweetness the heart and attention of the mind, but without thoughts. Familiar with this sensation that disturbs the conscience, I tried in every possible way to distract my heart and the attention of my mind from it, protected myself with the fear that this was an enemy temptation, and tried to keep the attention of my mind above my heart, just above the left nipple. This helped for a while, but then the warmth and excitement intensified, and I began to feel faint-hearted, as if an involuntary outward desecration had occurred. But the thought inspired “keep your mind relentlessly towards the Lord and His Holy and All-Powerful Name pronounced in the depths of your heart and do not be afraid, the Lord himself will fight for you.”

Inspired by this inner thought, I did so for some time and gradually began to feel how the wet sweetness no longer attracted the attention of the mind as before, but, on the contrary, turned away from itself with fear, and, finally, everything calmed down – the warmth, the spiritual confusion, and the tension, and I continued the prayer for several minutes with gratitude to the Lord the Savior and our champion in the temptations of the enemy. But when I was calmly finishing my rule, and my prayerful attention weakened, and my mind sometimes deviated into considering and reasoning about the past battle, a highly intelligent, vainglorious thought quietly crept into it about my future exploits and victories over the enemy through mental prayer and receiving grace-filled gifts from God for this. Soon, with God’s help, I noticed this subtle mental temptation, after a successful struggle, a most dangerous experience of grossly carnal, exposing the latter, I repented to the Lord mentally, recognized my weakness experimentally from the experienced temptation and asked the Lord to always keep my heart and mind in deep humility and remember that without Him we cannot do anything (good).

During dinner I told everything to my employee. After listening, he said: “You need deep humility,” and generally reacted sympathetically to this and, for his part, strengthened my cowardice, but somehow easily, not recognizing from experience the battle I had experienced, and as if the temptation was not a big problem. This made me inattentive to his consolation. He noticed this, and I, with a remark about his frivolity due to inexperience, explained my inattention to him. As a result of this explanation, we almost had a quarrel, just like what happened on August 5th (pp. 12–13). So the enemy puts obstacles where you don’t think. He (the co-worker) imagined that I, out of cowardice, was ready to give up the feat of prayer, which, according to him, I embarked upon by the will of God with the favor of my confessor, and before that of the elder, and now I have the convenience of both gained experience and some success with the help of God. And I said that I would not like to abandon the feat that I had begun, but I am seriously looking at it, for our spiritual writers, as can be seen from the previous entry (dated August 30), sternly warn us about the danger of delusion in this feat without an experienced leader. But I decide to undertake this feat in view of the danger that I had already partly experienced at the beginning, solely because at the same time I saw admonition and strengthening from the Lord. I was afraid to abandon this feat, as if I was cowardly and would act against the will of God. When my co-worker, having resigned himself, agreed with my conviction to be more serious in his advice, especially not based on personal experience, and to pray more for me, we were reconciled and, as before, I began to continue my feat in humility and trusting solely in the mercy of God.

September 1

According to the usual simple prayer, the “artistic” prayer was accompanied this time by a warmth in the chest from intense mental and physical strength, but without mental embarrassment, like last night. At the “Most Honorable Cherub” at the end of Matins I felt tenderness through the mercy of our Intercessor, the Most Holy Theotokos. Thus, the mercy of God strengthens and comforts us, the faint-hearted, in the feat of piety. So during the evening “artistic” prayer, I felt a heat in my chest, but I, not paying attention to that, established it all in the invoked name of the Lord in the “place of the heart” (a little above the left nipple), and avoided any embarrassment. During mental prayer, the mind and heart should be occupied only with one thing: to pray purely, without thoughts, with contrition, without experiencing anything extraneous that is happening at this time in the soul and in the body. With this attention of the mind to the Lord in prayer, it must be affirmed precisely in His holy name in order to avoid any external images, dreams and untimely, even good, reasoning about what is experienced during prayer.

September 2

At matins, after three rosaries of simple prayer, I sat down to “artistic” prayer, because I felt vigorous and not relaxed by the shorter sleep this time at night (I slept for two and a half hours). And then spent the entire time of Matins in mental prayer – Glory to God! With the same heat in the chest, the prayer was performed calmly, without the previous embarrassment and in tenderness: attention was occupied only by invoking the sweetest and all-powerful name of the Lord with faith that the Lord Savior Himself was present in it, as in His invisible image. From this attentive and unwavering invocation of the name of the Lord in my heart, it was filled with warmth, but with a different warmth than what I felt on previous occasions, and this time only at the beginning of prayer. That one seemed external to the place of the heart and was excited by the excitement of the blood, but this one seemed internal and flowing from the name of the Lord. That one distracted the attention of the mind from the heart, and this one drew attention to the heart and to the name of the Lord.

September 3

At Matins, after a simple prayer, I sat down for an hour of “smart prayer.” At first, having tuned myself mentally and physically according to “artistic” techniques, I prayed calmly and even for a minute forgot from the calm flow of prayer, and my attention decreased, but then, either because I had reduced my attention and in general the tension of my mental and physical forces, the warmth from my heart in my chest began to flare up as before and intensified so much that my heart was like on fire, and I still began to be disturbed by this strong warmth, which began to strike from my chest to my lower chest. part of the abdomen, however, I tried to divert attention from it and keep it hopelessly in my heart through the words of prayer, humbling myself in every possible way in my soul and calming my troubled spirit by trusting in the Lord that He would still save me from temptation. Then, due to the heated state of my heart, the breathing that I had previously held, against my strength, suddenly became intensified and frequent, similar to a sob. I became even more confused, wondering if this was the beginning of the temptation that I had previously feared with the increased warmth in the body, namely in the lower parts of the abdomen. But the merciful Lord saved me, a sinner, from him: although with great tension, I did not abandon prayer with trust in God at this time of temptation. The flame in my heart and throughout my body gradually passed away from this warmth, without any particular feeling of wet sweetness and without unclean thoughts. After sitting for some time in deep-hearted prayer, I safely, with God’s help, although after great spiritual confusion, finished my morning routine.

After hours of drinking tea, I conveyed my condition during morning mental prayer to my roommate. They began to discuss it, looking for its reasons. From his experience, my interlocutor could not say anything in explanation, as if he had not experienced warmth during prayer to the degree enhanced by me. In the scriptures of our fathers we did not find an explanation for it; Conscience, apart from general sinfulness, did not recognize the direct reasons that would have served as the reason why God allowed this to happen through the action of the enemy, except, perhaps, my forgetting of the humility previously instilled in me during the temptation, and a certain arrogance and excessive reliance on artistic techniques without repentant feelings. Therefore, we explained my condition by excessive pressure on the heart of attention and, in general, mental and physical tension due to the artistic techniques of soul-hearted prayer, and therefore we decided to continue the exercise in “artistic” prayer for me calmer and simpler, without much tension and without precise observation at this time of the heartbeat with breathing, but with a humble and repentant feeling, calmly call on the Lord in the heart with attention to the words of the prayer, and the heartbeat together with breathing by itself will be established as it was before (see August 31). Oh, God, how difficult it is to go through heartfelt prayer without a mentor, but it is necessary for a monk. One hope is in God. Thank God that I have at least a like-minded interlocutor about her, with whom I can share newly arising thoughts and feelings.

During the evening rule, I performed a “smart” prayer, as my colleague and I advised in the morning; calmly, with repentant feelings, and the prayer was performed peacefully, with attention and tenderness. True, there was a warmth from the heart in the chest, but it did not intensify as before, because living repentance and the feeling of prayer distracted the attention of the mind from it. Moreover, this time, at the end of hundreds of prayers, I made the sign of the cross. And when, at the end of the prayer, a warmth gradually began to come from below from the loins without any phlegm sweetness, with attentive, still repentant prayer, I began to make the sign of the cross on myself, and the warmth noticeably went away. At the same time, an impressive, encouraging thought came about the greatness and mercy of the Savior and about my lack of faith and cowardice in temptations. So, with thanksgiving to the Lord the Savior, who makes us wise, strengthens and comforts us in our weaknesses, I finished my evening rule and my former complacent mood was restored, which had been shaken by what I experienced during the morning confusion.

Glory to God for everything, who saves us both with our gums and necks – with well-being and the opposite temptation.

September 4

At Matins, the “smart” prayer took place peacefully, without any attack of embarrassing warmth, in attention to the heart and in spiritual tenderness. The thought arose that yesterday’s test was allowed by God to exercise attention in the heart during any temptation in advance. Confession that day also went well.

After cleaning the cell, I was tired, and therefore I performed mental prayer in the evening, not very intensely, but with tenderness. I saw my spiritual misery, spiritual blindness – ignorance in the feat of prayer and in dealing with neighbors, how to deal with them in this or that case, so that everything would be peaceful and spiritually beneficial for themselves and them. Weakness of will in resisting passions and forcing oneself to virtues, oblivion in thoughts, words and deeds of eternity and the most important Gospel commandments and Christian virtues, love for God and neighbor, with which our whole life should be permeated and guided in everything, and reluctance to force ourselves to constant, special “smart” prayer – the main Christian means of spiritual salvation and the first monastic, especially schematic vow.

All this stimulated the spiritual vision of my mind, touched my insensible heart and gave rise to the desire to always pray to the Lord for mercy on myself and my neighbors – spiritual children, relatives, known people and all Orthodox Christians.

September 5

At Matins, when I began after a simple “mental prayer”, I remembered the lines we had read the day before from the life of Philaret Metropolitan of Kyiv from the Books of the Ascetic of the 18th and 19th centuries for December, how in the last painful minutes of his death tears did not stop flowing from his eyes, already closed from exhaustion, I thought and prayerfully wished to relive his prayerful feelings at least a little, and I remembered the words in my repentant prayer soon after Psalm 119: My eyes have known the springs of water, yet I have not kept Thy law. Then I remembered the crying of Petrov, immediately after his renunciation of the Lord and throughout his life in the midnight hours, as the Holy Scripture and Tradition speaks about it, he remembered his sins from childhood until this hour, and my tears of tenderness intensified even more, on the one hand, bitter regret that with my sins, knowing and not knowing about it, I always offended the Lord, from Whom I received only good deeds in my life, and on the other on the other hand, a warm desire, as it were, to satisfy the Lord for this, in order to become a former covenant with Him, “filial by the ineffable grace of love, bestowed in holy baptism and partly experienced in the heart in the first years of conscious childhood, but then gradually imperceptibly lost. But I no longer have the strength for the “feats of repentance and “satisfaction”, not forced only by the internal law of God’s truth, but inspired by the free warm desire of a heart wounded by “sadness for God.” All that remains for me is mental and physical crying with humble patience of the coming sorrows that will come – this is the only acceptable sacrifice from a sinner to God and a satisfactory drink for him who thirsts in repentance for what was previously lost love of the spirit. I prayed for a long time in mental prayer with the indicated repentant feeling, with considerable warmth of heart and tears, and with the compulsion to remain in this longer, but I did not experience the previous embarrassment from bodily warmth. So I think that humble repentant feelings in mental prayer protect against the unwanted and harmful consequences for the soul and body of the unjust intensive use of external artistic techniques without the appropriate spiritual prayer structure – repentant humility. The liturgy on this day with the communion of the brethren was celebrated successfully. Glory to God, our benefactor, for everything.

After lunch, a guest visited, a Russian refugee from our monastery. I spent about five hours talking with him; forced by the conversation to leave prayer and attend to the guest’s requests, having prayed in advance that the Lord would direct the conversation, although sobriety and attention to prayer were abandoned, but after seeing off the guest, his conscience remained peaceful, realizing his weakness for such increased sobriety. After that, I went at 9 o’clock in European style (3 o’clock in the afternoon) to rest, but since I couldn’t sleep after the conversation with the guest, I began to do mental prayer lying down and after a few minutes it was established with attention to the words of the prayer and combining them with breathing. I then tried to add attention to this and to the beating of my heart. The simultaneous use of these two artistic techniques at first made it difficult to perform the prayer and began to cause warmth in the body, but not embarrassment. When I stopped paying special attention when creating mental prayer to the combination of the two indicated methods of breathing and heartbeat, for they had already been established, and paid attention to the spiritual structure of prayer – I forced myself to contrition of the heart, and it appeared by the grace of God – then, along with the heartfelt feeling of repentance, the warmth in the body went away, although the prayer was performed with the above methods. It is so important in mental prayer for the correct and safe use of artistic techniques to always keep in mind the mainly repentant spirit of prayer. The high value of these external techniques to the detriment of the spiritual structure of prayer is the cause and beginning of delusion according to Bishop Theophan, for intense attention to these techniques and without a proud thought about one’s doing increases the warmth in the body that is naturally born from the work of prayer alone, just as any feeling of illness (and the illness itself) is intensified by paying attention to it, which gives rise to suspiciousness and, conversely, distraction of attention – it heals.

At the end of the contrite prayer, I also felt compassion for the guests, the bewilderment they experienced regarding the issue of spiritual life, and therefore I prayed for them as for myself. After this, I thanked the Lord that He helped me fulfill His commandment about love for my neighbor and not upset, after a temporary cessation only due to need, my previous prayer arrangement. However, the fatigue of mental and physical strength in the evening took its toll: he performed the evening rule absent-mindedly, as well as the morning one.

September 6

And the next morning, the impressions of yesterday distracted part of the attention of the mind, despite the tension of its willpower; the crushed feeling, as before, which could have attracted, was also not there to entertain the mind, for they confirm one another. However, by the mercy of the Queen of Heaven, the “Most Honest” heart was touched by the feeling of Maternity of Her mercy for us sinners and the weak. The liturgy, thank God, went well. After lunch, we read many extracts from Bishop Theophan’s letters about warmth during mental prayer, written earlier. The most important of them are the following: “I. When attention descends into the heart, it attracts all the forces of soul and body there to one point. This focus of all human life in one place immediately responds with a special sensation, this feeling is the beginning of future warmth… 2. They – attention and warmth – support each other and must remain inseparable… 3. This warmth is not spiritual, but ordinary blood, but as it contributes to attention and the development of spiritual movements, it is called spiritual, however, if it is not accompanied by the sweetness of lust, although light, but keeps both soul and body in a sober mood… 4. This spiritual warmth can be recognized when it is accompanied by spiritual prayerful movements of the fear of God, contrition, thanksgiving, etc. Hold your natural warmth, not imputing it to anything, but only as a preparation for God’s warmth can natural warmth and tenderness be revered… 5. Grace-filled warmth is special and it, in fact, is spiritual and testifies with a subtle sweet feeling… 6. The first fruit of God’s warmth is the gathering of thoughts together and their persistent aspiration towards God…” (Collected Letters, second volume, letters 244, 318 and 322).

From these extracts I drew attention to the idea that not all initial warmth is shameful, as interfering with the correct artistic creation of the Jesus Prayer, and should be torn off, or at least should not attract attention to itself, but only accompanied by lustful sweetness, even if in a small measure. And there is another, just as ordinary, natural blood warmth, which not only does not interfere with the correct creation of the Jesus Prayer, but also contributes to this, as attracting and supporting mutual attention, as well as itself originating from it, accompanied by spiritual prayerful movements and preparing for God’s gracious warmth.

I turned my attention to this judgment of Bishop Theophan about natural warmth because previously I considered all natural warmth, without distinguishing its properties and actions, as interfering with prayer, and therefore sometimes, even when it began without reason, I was embarrassed and afraid of it, whereas not connected with lustful pleasure and not revered for anything special, but natural, it promotes attention and prayer in general, and should not be torn off. For it is not in the place of holding attention, and even with conceit, that the reason for the embarrassing warmth. (In the life of Elder Paisius Velichkovsky, in the preface of Elder Basil on the writings of St. Hesychius, p. 114.) In this conviction, he calmly performed his “smart prayer” in the evening with tenderness and warmth of heart.

When at dinner I conveyed my state of prayer to my student, he said that “there is natural warmth and tenderness,” as Bishop Theophan noted above (in letter 322). I accepted this response from the student as a God-sent remark to my humility, that according to our “artistic” prayer, Bishop Theophan writes in another place: “The artistic doing of the Jesus Prayer, its simple creation with attention in the heart or walking in the memory of God, is our work and in itself has a natural fruit without grace. This fruit is a collection of thoughts, reverence and fear of God, mortal memory, pacification thoughts and some warmth of the heart. All this is the natural fruit of inner prayer. You need to solidify this well, so as not to blow the trumpet before yourself and before others. As long as we have only natural fruits, until then we are not worth a penny both in the essence of the body and in the judgment of God. Price for us when grace comes. For when she comes, this will mean that God has looked upon us with His merciful eye. Until it comes, no matter what we do, no matter what feats we perform, it means that we are worthless individuals that God doesn’t even want to look at” (Collected Letters, first issue, letter 12, p. 8, Moscow, 1898).

September 7

During the night I experienced a slight heat in my head and throughout my body, however, I finished the morning routine, although absent-mindedly, with the “Most Honest” by the grace of the Mother of God and felt the warmth of my heart with tenderness. After Matins, while resting from the fever, I could not immediately fall asleep, and I could not say the Jesus Prayer, even while lying down. His heart felt like it was broken, and any strain on full and half prayer increased his pain. But then the initial word of the prayer burst out into my heart with tenderness and tears: “Jesus.” And the attention of my mind naturally gravitated towards Him, and for some time I maintained my resulting prayerful mood with the sweet repetition of one sweet name of Jesus with a kind-hearted fall to the Lord the Savior and (petition for) mercy, and so I fell asleep imperceptibly.

He spent hours first in prayer, although under compulsion, and then sitting, more freely and focused. After tea I prayed again for an hour, and the heat in my body seemed to calm down, and I finished the prayer, continuing my diary, starting on the 6th, and taking him to confession. I did not rest during the day, I fell asleep before the vigil, because the fever in my body did not go away at all. In the evening at 10 o’clock (4 o’clock in the afternoon) he could hardly walk and helped his sick brother. Exhausted, in the evening I could no longer pray attentively. And the intermittent fever continued all night – sometimes hot, sometimes cold. From two to eight o’clock I did not get out of bed. The prayer was performed in a sleepy half-consciousness, after sitting and walking for a while. At nine o’clock I went to bed again to rest before the Liturgy.

September 8

By the morning (11 o’clock) the fever had calmed down a little, so I successfully served the Liturgy and gave communion to the brethren. And after the Liturgy, although in great exhaustion, he went to commune the sick man with the Holy Mysteries. After tea, instead of dinner, he went to rest, but slept little, for the fever in the body did not go away completely, and his zeal and ability to pray weakened, and then against his will, the visitor Khartaphylak, a clerk from the Lavra, took up some time, and the learned conversation with him added to the distraction of the mind. Afterwards I lay down to rest, but sleep did not come and my prayer weakened, and I went to continue writing my diary. This is my weakness in the feat of prayer: a minor physical illness, a small confluence of circumstances, and not only the former zeal for prayer weakened, but also the usual continuation of this feat with only “external work.” You need constant zeal for prayer with self-motivation and God’s help, “for without Me you cannot do anything.” Raise up, O Lord, Your power and come to save us.

Over tea after lunch, my colleague noticed that the habit of constant, unceasing prayer is the basis of intelligent-hearted “artistic” prayer. Since we are always unable, due to our weakness, to perform prayer using “artistic” techniques, which first requires exertion of mental and physical strength, then for the constancy of the continuity of prayer we need in advance the skill of simple verbal prayer without artistic techniques. He later confirmed this thought in places from the second volume of “The Wanderer” (pp. 67–68). Having considered these experimental instructions of the holy fathers (listed above), I came to the true conclusion that the main, only and most convenient way to acquire works of salvation and spiritual perfection is frequency, continuity of prayer, no matter how weak it may be… “The particularity of prayer will certainly produce habit and turn into nature, attracting the mind and heart in time to the proper mood. Particularity in prayer is the only way to acquire pure and true prayer, it is the best and most effective preparation for prayer and the surest path to achieving the prayer goal and salvation” (From the “Tales of the Wanderer” about the grace-filled effect of the Jesus Prayer, edited by Hegumen Seraphim, 1933. Reprinted from the first edition of the Holy Trinity Sergius Lavra, Sergiev Posad, 1911, censor Nikon, Bishop of Vologda).

From Abba Barsanuphius: Question 428: “Is it good to always think about God in your heart or to pray to Him heartily without the assistance of the tongue? When it happens that I practice this, my thought plunges into absent-mindedness – I feel heaviness and I see, as it were, some objects and ghosts, and I remain, as it were, in sleepy dreams. Answer: not to deviate with the mind and not to plunge heavily into absent-mindedness or daydreaming is the work of the perfect, able control his mind and always keep it in the fear of God. And those who do not have constant sobriety towards God are carried away, transferring their thoughts to the tongue. We see the same with those who swim in the sea: those of them who are skilled boldly plunge themselves into the sea, knowing that it cannot drown those who are well trained in the art of swimming. The one who begins to learn this art, feeling that he is in a deep place, for fear of drowning, hurries to get out of the depths to the shore and, having rested a little, rushes into the depths again, and practices in such a way as to completely learn this art until he reaches the level of those who have studied it before him.” My interlocutor refers to the above words of question and answer as “artistic” and simple verbal prayer in the sense that the weak do not should always get carried away in the first, only at times – 1 hour, 2, etc.

When he labors in it due to his weakness, he must return to the second, which is accomplished “with the assistance of the tongue.” (Question). In this sense, he also understands the words (of the answer) “he gets carried away, transferring his thoughts to the language.” The last words are somehow incomprehensible to me, how he proves his idea: in order to get rid of the dreams that were in the heartfelt prayer without words, you need to switch to the old verbal one (without special attention), characteristic of beginners, only as it is written in “The Wanderer”. It seems to me that then only simple prayer will save you from the hobbies and dreams that weak, smart-hearted prayer books have, when they put the attention of their minds into every word of prayer, which is possible for them, as they are already practicing smart-hearted prayer, which is one of the methods of “artistic” prayer. In this sense, you need to understand the words of the answer: “transferring your thoughts to the tongue,” that is, your previous intelligent thoughts (about God) and heartfelt prayer to promote and control verbal, not only simple, but also attentive to the words of prayer, to keep your mind anchored in it from passion and daydreaming. Like Hieromonk Dorotheos writes: “When you diligently do what is most necessary, or thoughts force the green mind, or drowsiness and sleep overcome, then it is appropriate to pray diligently with your lips and tongue, so that the mind listens to the voice” (Chapter 32).

After talking about this, he went to perform Vespers, and I remained in bed due to illness, prayed for some time simply verbally, as if “artistic” was beyond my ability now in illness, but all the time passed in absent-mindedness. Then, in the end, I gathered all my strength, moved towards “artistic”, thinking that its methods were invented by the fathers for us, relaxed and absent-minded, and thus, relatively attentive prayer was soon established.

(Interlocutor’s note: intensive retention of attention on the words of the prayer is not proven; a respite from the kind-hearted prayer, as in the meaning (answer) of Abba Barsanuphius: for the sake of weakness, at times “giving over meditation to the tongue”, as if “hurrying from the depths to get to the shore to rest a little”, so that later again in the fortress plunge “into the depths” of the kind-hearted prayer. Confining the mind in the words of prayer is also very difficult art, a beginner and a temporary respite are required from him. Scheme.)

September 9

At Matins I felt heat in my body, so I began to pray immediately while sitting, with mental prayer, but weakly; I was again touched by “The Most Honest”, as if bored because I had not addressed prayer to the Most Holy Theotokos for a long time, being busy with only mental prayer to the Lord Jesus Christ. To this the student remarked afterwards that after lunch one should say the Jesus Prayer with the addition: “Mother of God” (have mercy on me), following the example of St. Seraphim of Sarov. In simple prayer this is convenient, but when I have become accustomed to “artistic” prayer, even one word added makes it difficult, because then all the words of the prayer, complete with an addition, cannot fit into one breath of my weak breath.

Hours and after hours and morning tea I usually prayed. (At Vespers, I prayed “artistic” prayer with the gradual, and not all at once, use of all artistic techniques: 1) standing with the mind in the heart, 2) attention to the words of the prayer, 3) combining prayer with breathing, 4) with the heartbeat, as well as with the appropriate inner spiritual mood, reverence, humility and contrition. And after half an hour the prayer was restored free and self-propelled; it was only necessary to support it with attention. When I paid special attention to the feeling of prayerful reverence and tried, as it were, to feel the presence of God, then attention to the words of the prayer stopped. When I took up again the attentive creation of prayer, self-propelled prayer began again, and after a while my attention deepened. I felt in my heart only the presence of God in His holy Name and myself. A complete prayer, i.e., pronouncing five words from the heart: Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, it became difficult for me. Then I began to say three words with my heart: “Jesus, have mercy on me.” At this time I accidentally paid attention to my breathing and heartbeat, I noticed that they had calmed down and seemed to freeze, and I did not notice any sensations in my motionless body. Such attentive prayer felt pleasant to me. This attention and feeling continued even after the end of the intelligent “artistic” prayer, when, after continuing it for an hour, he moved on to ordinary simple prayer without much attention to artistic techniques. They were now preserved freely by themselves.

When I told my student during dinner about my condition, he remarked to me that it was not from grace, but from nature, the same thing that Bishop Theophan calls a certain sensation that precedes the beginning of the future warmth of grace, but this is not yet grace. I objected to him: Why not grace-filled? I also consider this to be grace from God, without Whom our natural good cannot be accomplished through our strength alone: ​​“For without Me you cannot do anything,” because at another time and with all the strain of your strength you will not achieve this. I don’t consider this a special prayerful grace, as Bishop Feofan himself notes. He agreed that everything natural is accomplished by grace, but the subtle attention I experienced at the end of the prayer with a feeling of the presence of God continued to be preserved even after that, he persistently considered it not a grace-filled action, but a natural one. For the sake of monastic obedience and humility and in view of the persistent difference between natural and spiritual warmth, I agreed to adhere to his opinion about what I experienced in a state of prayer as safe, but I was also forced to notice to my student, for his humility, that out of his vanity and pride he was self-confidently moving from the rank of collaborator-interlocutor to the rank of my teacher and leader – the leader of his elder. When a few days ago he, due to his inexperience, refused to do so. Although we said goodbye and made peace, for some time an unpleasant feeling of mutual dissatisfaction remained with us both. A few minutes later, at Compline, my interlocutor comes with repentance that his conscience hates him for condemning me for my inattention to patristic writing and my lack of reading in it.

September 10. At Matins

Since after dinner I felt heat in my body, I began to pray in the evening so that time would not pass in vain – neither in rest nor in prayer. Sitting on a chair, he constantly forced himself to simple prayer. In the end, he deepened his attention into the presence of God. I internally cried out from the bottom of my heart: Lord, have pity on me, help me, and immediately felt tenderness with tears… Afterwards, a thought appeared to me, in explanation of our previous judgments, that our natural fruits of fervent prayer – warmth and attention – come gradually as we exert our strength and ability to use artistic techniques, or from sheer diligence in simple verbal prayer, and grace-filled actions unexpectedly and immediately with a clear feeling and notification that they are from God. On this basis, comparing (this is my) current action with yesterday’s, I more clearly noticed the difference between them, as my student also said on the basis of Bishop Theophan. As a natural thing, not for my own sake, but given to me by God. The natural only keeps our inner and outer in the proper order of fear and order, while the gracious revives the soul and body and is accompanied by some kind of enlightenment of the mind – a new grace-filled thought. The sweetness of spiritual and natural warmth can only be discerned by those who have long experience in the knowledge of good and evil. The spiritual, of course, is more subtle than the natural carnal blood.

During morning tea, he conveyed the state of tenderness he experienced to his interlocutor. He recognized him for his gracious visit. Then he began to talk about his state of prayer last night and this morning, that he enjoyed reading psalms and singing, and then passed from this into thoughts of vanity, and on the basis of this he considered his pleasure simple, natural. Then, not without action from the enemy, the conversation turned to yesterday’s topic about the natural and grace-filled effects of prayer. Again some bickering with mutual reproach of each other in pride, and me in the frivolous ardor with which I take up prayer, and then, at the first temptation, I become cowardly, get upset and give up. I do not deny all this in myself, but my student, I think, needs treatment. And again, forgiveness of each other, forgiveness, although not from the whole heart, until time and attention completely cleanse it of any remnant of trouble. Thus, our weakness and the enemy hinder our success in the feat of prayer. We always need deep humility and fervent prayer to the Lord for help. Help us, O God, save us for the sake of Your holy name.

After dinner over tea, having reconsidered my previous conversation, I was completely reconciled and agreed. However, I later regretted and became a little depressed that our time often passes in disputes, and our prayer does not move… When the student left me, I was immediately drawn by the desire to pray, which itself was spoken in my heart with tenderness and tears: “Jesus, Son of God, have mercy on me.” At this time, I lay in weakness and prayed a simple prayer for about half an hour with tenderness and tears, then sometimes I began to get carried away in simple short thoughts, and therefore I stood up for great concentrated attention and continued to say a simple prayer while sitting. But the absent-mindedness did not go away from time to time. When, exhausted, he again lay down in the consciousness of his weakness, tenderness and tears came again, and due to weakness, he could not maintain attentive prayer with tension and artistic techniques, and it again began to deviate into absent-mindedness. After an hour, I ended my evening rule with a simple, not “artistic” prayer. The memory of the tender feeling of the Lord’s mercy for our weakness remained even after the end of the prayer rule.

September 11

He usually prayed during Matins, hours and vespers, absent-mindedly, with attention and tenderness, without much distinction between natural and grace-filled actions, attributing everything to God’s help and to himself only weakness and sinfulness. In our humility, remember us, Lord.

September 12

The painful state continues, and the rule is performed as usual.

September 13

Usually.

September 14

During the evening rule, during mental “artistic” prayer, the gradual beating of my heart intensified, with not particularly great heat in it, so that due to its frequent beating I could not pronounce all the words of the prayer. Then the beating, gradually subsiding, became barely noticeable. Breathing was also accompanied in this form, but I did not feel pain from this either in my heart, or in my lungs, or in my head. At this time, I did not experience any special spiritual feelings, a change in heartbeat and breathing, except for tender attention to prayer, with which I distracted my mind from the change that was taking place in the process of heartbeat and breathing, surrendering it to the will of God. Finally, the heartbeat and breathing gradually increased again and returned to normal. My co-worker, when I told him about this, said that after his heartbeat increased, it (breathing) did not weaken at all like mine, and he recognized my condition as painful. He explained the burning of the heart by combining prayer with the heartbeat; intense attention to prayer was transferred to the heart, through the connection of prayer with it, and thereby strengthened it to an abnormal state, after which it became powerless, and with it, breathing. And we decided not to intentionally combine prayer with heartbeat for me, weak at heart, although it helps with its incessant action, but to connect it only with breathing, especially since this last method is indicated by the holy fathers, and the first one is mentioned only in “The Wanderer.” The only thing you can do is not interfere with it, it happens by itself. When you notice his harmful intense attention to the heart, then reject it and stop it, gradually hold your breath and thereby calm the rapid movement of the heart. And in general, we have decided that it is enough for us through “artistic” techniques, i.e. 1) creating prayer in the heart, 2) paying attention to the words of the prayer with faith in the presence of the Lord Himself in them, and 3) dividing the prayer into two halves according to the process of breathing – inhalation and exhalation, 4) finding prayer attentive in the heart, and humbly desiring the warmth and feelings of the heart only for those who have repented, as the safest, and not any high and joyful, which is characteristic only of the dispassionate. Always say prayer as calmly as possible in mind and body.

During the evening rule, according to the above method, the “artistic” prayer, although short due to lack of time, was performed quietly.

September 16

Through a weak (due to physical weakness) mental prayer, with grief about this, he went to rest and half an hour later, as he noticed by the chiming of the clock, he woke up with a fiery, heartfelt prayer, which began (as it turned out upon awakening) in a dream that happened during a short post-morning rest. The dream is like this: as if my brethren and I were walking through the church yard, talking about two novices of the same cell, that before they were tonsured, they endured many temptations. Then I looked at the sky and saw in the twilight at first what seemed like half a moon, and as I peered, I further noticed a large cross depicted by four round moons and drew the attention of the brothers walking with me to church to this vision. One of them said to this: “If we lived carefully, we would see many other things in the sky.” Then I found myself, as it were, on the estate of our house in the village: in the distance, through the threshing floor and buildings, we could see our village church with a bell tower, and suddenly I heard the ringing of large bells from the bell tower, as happened in my long-ago childhood. This ringing, it filled me with such tender, touching and at the same time highly solemn feelings, for at that time I remembered that our church was closed by the Bolsheviks, the bells were removed, and suddenly – an unexpected ringing, and it seemed to me that their Bolshevik rule had ended. (Student’s notes: this year the Elder received a letter from his homeland informing him that communist girls had been sent from Moscow to their village, who removed the bells from the bell tower and broke them into pieces.) In a deep feeling of prayer, I fell prostrate to the ground, then knelt down and with outstretched arms and first prayed fervently for Russia, thanked God for its liberator and praised His incomprehensible majesty. My heart, overflowing with these feelings, was looking for tears to shed them and relieve them. It was in this state that I woke up. My heart, inflamed with admiration, in an excess of feelings and upon awakening for a long time repeated with tears only the words of the prayer:

“Son of God, have mercy on me.” And every time I remember the tender and solemn ringing of that bell that I heard, the hot feelings and beating of my heart intensified in me, so that I began to stop it by holding my breath, and it calmed down. And I thought then what bliss we are depriving ourselves of by our inattention to Christian life. And for Russia the thought came that the Lord, having cleansed it with sorrows, would again glorify it with piety, and from the thought of Russia my thought passed to the triumph of the future eternal life after temporary sorrows in earthly life. I remembered the words of the Apocalypse: “These are the ones who came from great sorrow” (7, 14). After this, I could not sleep, and after spending two hours thinking about what I had experienced in a dream and in prayer, I got up and wrote it all down in my diary. (All this day the Elder was in joyful amazement – the student.)

In the morning, he conveyed his dream and the mental and physical state it generated to his roommate. He recognized it as “comfort” from God and prompting me to mental prayer. I did not resist, I accepted his words with humility and gratitude to God. But then, a few days later, having read from his “Extracts” about the mental prayer of one Athonite elder-ascetic, without accepting or rejecting what happened, and surrender this judgment to the will of God and admonition that will be more affirmative in the future and adhere to the humble lot as safe. The words of the extract are as follows: “When any visions happen, do not trust them. We must believe that for our salvation only repentance is necessary, weep for our sins and not allow any thoughts that we are worthy of any heavenly visions. Grateful tears come with humility and joy in the Lord, relieving the heart from sinful sorrow. With vanity and arrogance, tears are not pleasing to the Lord and are deprived of those blessed fruits, which is why the heart must be carefully guarded from everything vain and sinful” (from the manuscript of Schemamonk Gerasim the Greek).

This is how the Elder depicted his vision.

September 17

Yesterday evening the Greeks (zealots) visited the guests, and although there were no special conversations with them, they did not give time to make the evening rule. The simple curiosity (if not worse) with which, according to them, they casually came to visit me, their noticeable lack of communication with us, although hypocritically covered up by external worldly decency – a shake of hands, pleasantness in the face and voice – and after a brief, few words and no longer agreeable conversation, left a feeling of emptiness, and then, in the evening, a somewhat sore point (about style) was raised, giving rise to a whole stream of judgments, already forgotten, but now revived again and not only interrupting mental prayer, but also preventing sleep. How harmful for the practice of mental prayer is an addiction to theological reasoning, and, especially, conversations with those who are not of the same mind, not without word debate. They produce a seething in thoughts, from which it can be difficult to distract the mind, especially when the heart is irritated by word debate. That is why the Apostle commanded all Christians not to resist any need, especially this commandment applies to monks (St. Basil the Great) and even more so to the silent.

September 18

Prayer usually went on in weakness both at Matins and during the hours. Notification of the death of the abbot of our Russian Monastery and one schemamonk of the same monastery – my acquaintances – as messengers and about my close, but unknown when and how, death, due to the cruelty of my heart, which did not accept in a sense of prayerful contrition for myself for the dead. Also today and tomorrow we will celebrate the anniversary of the death of my tonsured elder and co-celebrant on Karul, Hieroschemamonk Ignatius, a person close to me in everything. Lord, rest their souls and for their prayers grant me the living memory of my own death, which the holy Egyptian fathers combined with mental prayer for greater success in it. “A good teacher of the body and soul,” says the Monk Hesychius of Jerusalem, “is the unforgettable memory of death, and so that, bypassing everything in the middle that exists (that is, between the present minute and the hour of death), it is always before you to ripen, and the same bed on which you have to lie, separated from the body,” and so on (Soul-saving and useful word about sobriety and prayer, chapter 95. St. Hesychius of Jerusalem).

September 19

After my illness, I experience absent-mindedness and a lack of interest in prayer. And I can’t tell whether it’s from the weakness of illness, or from laziness, both require humility from me before God and earnestly asking for His help, as He Himself said: “For without Me you can do nothing” (John 15:5).

End of the Old Man’s Diary.

On September 20, the Elder took to his bed and could no longer write down his diary, and on October 2, he reposed in the Lord.

Conclusion

After September 19, the Elder no longer wrote his diary and stopped performing the usual rule of prayer, but lay in bed and experienced a painful state. From that day on, I did not get out of bed until my death.

His illness began on September 7 from a cold. Lately, the Elder, after resting for lunch until Vespers, devoted two hours to writing, that is, he shortened the Lives of the Saints (see August 18), and on this day he opened both windows in his two-meter cell for the passing breeze, so that it would not be so stuffy for him. Although the breeze was small and not yet so cold, but as it is always weak, it passed through. Then every day I felt a slight fever; chills in the evening and fever at night. But he did not abandon the rules of his prayer until he was finally in bed. The fever was accompanied by an illness in the stomach with colic, and since the doctor lived far from our desert and there was nothing to call him for, and the Elder himself was not inclined to him, and there was no medicine, so he endured without any treatment… He really wanted to die without people. For this reason, he did not tell me to tell anyone that he was already sick and was about to die. He received a mysterious notification that he would die on the Intercession, and a week later, having performed the consecration of oil over a sick disciple, his schema-monk Alypius, said to him: “I will die on the Intercession, and you on the third day after me.” And so it came true.

Preparing for death. Every last ten days, the elder received daily communion of the Holy Mysteries of Christ, Body and Blood of the Lord. I myself could no longer go to church, so I, as a subdeacon, brought him spare Holy Mysteries to his cell and he received communion with them. I could not stand it and became very weak without sleep, serving the Elder alone, and therefore, five days before my death, I was forced to call others for help, so that they would take turns on duty day and night. Finally, he began to have pain in his chest and in the pit of his stomach, and this was accompanied by almost constant hiccups and coughing, and at night intense fever and sweat. The heart rate reached 110 beats per minute. They changed his underwear often, and besides, he could not stand ten minutes in one position. It was necessary to turn him over every ten minutes, first on one side, then on the other, and on his back, and sit him on the bed, leaning his head on the table. I used almost no sleep at all.

On September 28, from the evening of 10 o’clock to five o’clock at night (counting time in Byzantine), the Elder was calm, but from five o’clock a strong fever began, as well as a nightmare. I fell asleep at six o’clock and slept until the morning. In the morning I drank three cups of tea without anything and was calm. The confessor came. I talked to him a little and expressed the difficulty of continuing the conversation. After the confessor left, the Elder remembered that he had forgotten to tell him that he had actually seen the malice of the enemy. He told me to give it to him afterwards. “The malice of the enemy appeared before me, like an evil beast – a lion or a dog with fierce eyes and in strong, very strong anger wanted to rush at me and devour me, but the grace of God did not allow it. This may have lasted a minute or half a minute.” I asked:

“How, Father, did you see this malice with your bodily eyes or with your mind?”Hesaid: “With your mental eyes.”

In the evening, at 8 o’clock, the hiccups began again and continued until 11 o’clock. Turning to me, the Elder said: “I’m already losing my natural reason,” and, as if in a nightmare, he began to talk about his confessor with a little hostility and asked me what could be wrong with this. To this I told him: “Yes, Father, this is not good. Based on your current state, there is no need to reason anything, but only pray, otherwise the enemy will confuse you.” He obeyed, calmed down, stopped hiccupping, and listened to my prayer with zeal, without even moving, as if frozen. Throughout his illness, I, sitting next to him, read out loud, each word separately, the short Jesus Prayer: “Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me,” helping him repeat with my mind after me. I asked him if the prayer still holds? He replied: “A little bit.”

At another time, the demon presented the Elder with a proud thought, wanting to catch him with arrogance. The Elder says to me: “Behold, it seems to me that, suffering in such an illness, I endure more than Christ on the cross.” Seeing that this was already happening to him from weakness of mind, I told him: “Why, Father, come to your senses. After all, this is from the enemy for you. How can you think that it is worse for you than it was for the Lord on the cross. After all, everyone abandoned Him, and He suffered alone, no one helped Him. But I relentlessly serve you and ask how I can help.” From these words the Elder calmed down and shed a little tears.

It was under the Intercession, our second patronal holiday. After this, the Elder lost his tongue and spoke in spirit, in a snoring voice; I was the only one who understood everything. This is what Saint Tikhon of Zadonsk also said in spirit before his death with his cell attendant, John.

On this day, all his spiritual children came to say goodbye to him. They asked someone what they needed, and through me he gave them the latest advice, and spoke to me in spirit, and everything was clear to me, and then I conveyed his words to everyone. It was truly a miracle. And by sunset our clock had stopped and we didn’t know what time it was, but it was cloudy. And we ask, what time is it now? And the Elder answers me in spirit: “Set 11 o’clock.” And when they checked the sun the next day, it was exactly like that. When the Elder blessed everyone, but put off blessing me completely, I began to be afraid that the Elder, not having time to bless me, would die. Then I even dared to remind him again: “Father, I’m afraid that you won’t have time to bless me and will die,” to which he replied: “I’ll have time.”

Just before the holiday, at night, the Elder no longer had a fever, but was very exhausted. It was ordered to end the vigil early and serve the Liturgy sooner, in order to have time to receive communion before death. But a little later the Elder sent me to say that the vigil should end as soon as possible and after six hours from midnight to begin the Liturgy, and often sent me to find out whether the Liturgy would begin soon. And so they did. When the Liturgy began, the Elder made me read three prayers for Holy Communion and at the end of them he said to me in spirit: “Well, let’s kiss.” I didn’t understand right away, but he repeated it again, and we kissed. Having blessed me, he gave me instructions in three main words.

After communion, he lay quietly and did not take any food or water. All his spiritual children, those close to him and those who came from far away for the holiday, did not want to leave after the Liturgy. Having been warned by those sick people who were told by the Elder that he would die on the Intercession, they remained to wait for his death. In the morning, the Elder wished that the Passion of the Lord from the Gospel of John from the conception of the 46th be read to him: “Now is the Son of Man glorified.” After listening to everything, he asked for a candle and forced him to read the waste document for himself. During the reading, the Elder lay on his back, arms crossed, holding a lit candle. We read the entire prayer to the end and sang “Rest with the Saints,” but the Elder did not die. And, giving the candle, he said: “Take it.”

Judge this as anyone wants, but I guess the reason for this was that people got in the way. He wanted to face death without people, and the Lord fulfilled his desire. The next day, October 2, he died without people. Then he says to me: “I want to take communion tomorrow, but I don’t know if I will swallow Holy Communion?” Now he could no longer swallow water from a teaspoon, as I had given him for the last three days, because now he was coughing up back. “Come on,” he says, “give me some water from a spoon under your tongue.” Indeed, after a minute I swallowed it without coughing. We tried again, and so on up to three times. Then he says to me: “Tell your confessor that tomorrow, when giving me communion, he should put the Communion under his tongue, don’t forget to warn him.” So they gave him communion before his death.

At night it was very difficult for him, although there was no fever, but he kept asking to be put down, then put down again, and all night he could not stay in one position for even ten minutes. And in the morning he received the Holy Mysteries of Christ. After communion, having seen off the confessor, we were left alone with the Elder and he asked to sit him, as before, on the bed, resting his head on a pillow on the table so that his nose and lips were free to breathe. Taking his left hand under the armpit with my hand, and holding his right hand with my right, I began to say the short Jesus Prayer in time with his pulse. His pulse was even and firm, like a healthy one. I listened to his breathing and noticed that it coincided with mine when he exhaled air, and that in a whisper he could barely pronounce “have mercy on me.” Thus, tailored to me, he prayed the Jesus Prayer. This went on for about ten minutes. Then his pulse noticeably began to falter and weaken. At this time, Father Joel came into our cell. I tell him: “Father, light the lamp, otherwise it has just gone out.” And when he lit it, the Elder took a deep breath. Noticing, I shouted: “Father Joel! The old man is dying.” Another sigh followed, and his soul quietly flew out of his body. In my hands he died like that, calmly without any flinching.

Having communed the Elder with the Holy Mysteries, the confessor returned to his cell. Not having had time to walk even five minutes and go to my yard, I heard a bell ringing, a notice of Startseva’s death. When everyone had gathered, the funeral service began, and at the end, everyone felt some kind of joy, like a holiday. And then, after some time, reading in the book of Bishop Ignatius Brianchaninov, I came across his saying: “If, after the death of someone on this day, joy is felt in the hearts of his loved ones, then this is a sign that this soul has been accepted by God.”

The elder died in his 69th year of birth.

Eternal memory to Hieroschemamonk Theodosius, my Elder. With the saints in the place of blessed repose, O Lord, rest his soul. And have mercy on me, his sinful disciple, for his prayers.